5-27-2021

Yes, that rare day when I have two posts that I must record. This one has been percolating for a while and it came to mind again because of the other 5/27 post where I mentioned Greta Gerwig.

I think MeToo might have morphed into toxic workplace takedown over the past year(s). Anyway, there was this expose of a major Hollywood producer, Scott Rudin, and the place he ran (https://www.vulture.com/2021/04/scott-rudin-as-told-by-his-assistants.html ). First off, wtAf?!! How is this even possible to pull off for so many years? Is proximity to limelight that worth it? I’d like to think I wouldn’t have put up with it, but no, I’d have been every single one of those men and women, petrified, elated to be recognized, not able to reconcile who I was being with who I thought I was.

One woman said one of SR’s comments to her before she quit : What’s the point of you?. She said over the years, anytime she felt she was messing up, this memory would come up to haunt her. Forget her – she was the recipient, I, the idiot reader, can’t get it out of my head. I can feel the words hitting me viscerally and me crumpling, folding inwards like a plastic bottle whose air was being sucked out. I can admire, yeah, really, the particular venom of this taunt. I can imagine myself saying it when I want to cause hurt. Now that I have this Brahmastram, would I actually use it? And it is a Brahmastram to me, but does it affect everyone with the power that it does me? Here’s the. crazy part – I hear these words in my head when I’m messing up.

The people in the article say this is well known. He’s berated people in front of his clients – one of them was Greta Gerwig. And none of them said a word. Nobody wanted to cross the gravy train that was SR. I was going to say meal train, but these people don’t need meals, it’s all gravy, I’d think. How can you portray empowered strong women and not stand up to a bully? I don’t think I’ll be able to watch a movie with her in it and see just the character. That to me is a tragedy. Who else is in this list – Kevin Spacey, Dustin Hoffman, James Franco, Charlie Rose, Ellen. Aziz Ansari is in this group, but for a different reason. He was dragged by that idiot woman who spun a bad date story into an assault. I didn’t much care for his show and didn’t understand everyone’s hyperventilating that it was great. His 1 hour special almost a year after the brouhaha was thoughtful. But everytime I see him, the public flogging is what I see and I don’t want to be in that discomfort.

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5-22-2021

Today was lovely. I woke up early and called my mom. While it was painful, still, crossing off good daughter task. Then Sat am meditation class. I was able to sit with little movement through the 1.5 hours! My dad called in the middle of the sitting, so called him back. He said “Wow! You look so bright”. Yes, I was wearing white and sitting next to a sunny window, but it’s. still a compliment to cherish. I really think sitting practice makes you glow. If you remember, one of my motivations in starting a meditation practice was to have good skin

Then onward to lunch. I wanted to surprise DH with fancy yogurt rice. He didn’t know my plan and carped about not making lemon rice even though we had so many lemons. So I made both, and made his day. The guy was overjoyed, and all it took was ~15 minutes of effort. I am a lucky woman!

Then it was off to MMC. Teacher was doing a Glory of Rama Nama program at MMC. DS has been so excited about it and I have been worried that he is taking too much ownership of this effort. It’s between her and the temple, he just happens to be there. But this guy is off to stay overnight to help with the setup, wanted to do both Aratis (!!, thankfully, JD nixed that), and just buzzing with energy. The CB is not fully open, so he didn’t get a bathroom that he liked – which means his face looked greasy, hair unkempt, Kurta and veshti crumpled – oh, I was an unhappy camper. And then he kept standing in the doorway when JD was doing the introduction – I didn’t know what that was about. And he stood near the doorway throughout the program! I kept preparing answers for folks who’d ask me about DS as pujari, wondering what people would say/think and remembering that others’ opinions do not matter. One of Teacher’s notes in the program – people say they value devotion, saintly life etc. And then their son says I want to follow that path and we tell them, “why at this young age, come on, get married, enjoy life”. That zeroed in

Really beautiful program. Sravya accompanied her. That child is indeed special. You could feel the sight turned inwards. And her beautiful voice! And she’s so gorgeous. Those parents are blessed. Rangashree was on the violin, I didn’t get to see her, hidden by uncle sitting in front of me. The sounds were, of course, perfect. That’s another super talent. I remember her telling me once before – the times she is most present is when doing surgery or accompanying on the violin. It’s got to be the same thing as saying inward sight, no? Well, I don’t have any experience of it, so can’t comment. Those eyes of hers, they are so beautiful and alive. She hangs on her mother’s every word during these programs. How would it feel to be held in such obvious esteem by your own family?

What do I remember from the program?

Teacher brought up pavarga and apavarga – where it came from or which part of the story, I don’t remember. And is this interpretation unique to her, that also I don’t know. She said, if you compare pavarga and apavarga (moksha), apavarga will be vastly superior. So what is pavarga? It is the Pa section of the Sanskrit alphabet. Pa Pha Ba Bha Ma, each of them standing for a quality. I only remember Bhaya and Marana. Only in the absence of pavarga will we be able to attain Apavarga.

She talked about Hanuman burning Lanka. The fires burning Lanka had three sources – Sita’s sorrow, Rama’s anger and Hanuman’s viraha (Idk what viraha is). I’m very conflicted by the Lanka burning. My king decides to kidnap some woman, how can I affect that outcome? how is it fair that my city be incinerated, my family and livelihood harmed, for his stupidity? And this is done by Hanuman, not fallible humans/rakshasas.

She said Sita is the Jivatma, who had Rama, the Paramatma with her. Her attention moved away from the Paramatma to an external object – the deer, which caused all her suffering. Even with this example, I choose to place my attention outside of the paramatman, my romance novel habit is good at temporary happiness

The program ended, everyone I talked to was so impressed that DS had put in the work to serve in the shrine. Not a single Why? Ranjini was so proud of him – she gets that these activities bring him joy. I, of course, agreed with her that he is a gem, but I was also thinking – would you consider him son-in-law material?

One odd occurrence – Teacher was distant to me and DH – there is no other word for it. Like she wanted to nip any familiarity in the bud. She was greeting other people after the performance happily, but she wouldn’t look me in the face. I tried engaging a couple of times, then I decided more power to her and went my own way. Honestly – too old and too tired to chase after any one or thing. Even now, I think about it, wonder why, and just shrug. It’s the serenity prayer in action.

So that was Saturday. Sunday was Adya’s new program on practical/practicing spirituality which I signed up for. My first online Adya program! It’s basically his attempt to foster a sitting practice and do a group sit with his audience. I finished the Divya Prabandham class, logged in here at 8:05 am. Adya and Mukti had already begun with silent meditation. As soon as I logged on, I could feel the stillness. The body and limbs becoming heavy, more on the left (closer to the laptop) than on the right. Eyes wanting to close. It was amazing, quiet and very content. That was from 8-11. The last hour was his talk – I fell asleep through most of the talk :(. Need to listen to it again.

I made carrot salad and ven pongal for lunch. And I decided to go on a hike. BFP – is she bfp or simply P? I’ll make it FP, it’s a good compromise. I think she said she and her husband go for a hike every/most Saturdays. I asked DH, he demurred – it’s too warm, he only likes to walk in the evening, blah blah. I was irritated, we hardly do anything together, do I have to twist his arm to get his company? I asked a couple of times, and then just decided to go by myself. I chose Webb Canyon Dr for this iteration. On the drive there, I remembered the joy of going by myself. Yes, disappointing that I am not conforming to this vision of togethernes spun by friends and media, but oh, the utter joy of walking by myself in the woods is heady and slowly came back to me. Mary Oliver – if I ask you to walk in the woods with me, I must love you very much. The space was beautiful. There were gentle and steep grassy slopes and hills rising on the other side, trees spreading out. There was a meadow, also with large trees, so inviting. Also Mary Oliver – stay, stay for a little while, they say. Some places were still, no wind stirring in the trees, no chirping in the bushes. I loved the spaces that looked away from the city, but in many areas, you had a view of roofs. I could feel the anxiety in those places, which made the others even more precious. Once I got up to enough elevation, the city view didn’t bother me. There was a picnic table occupied by a mom/daughter. They wouldn’t leave so I could sit, so I walked further up and lay down on the trail for 10 minutes. The blue, blue sky was so clear, how can you not be happy looking into infinity? I had to leave, it was already 5:30 and I needed to be back inn the car before 7. I made it back in good time, got back home and will be reliving these moments for a lot longer

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5-11-2021

I need to record this before it gets wiped by the mists of memory.

One of the things that brought me enormous joy, peace, soul sustenance when I was with the parents in Chennai was going to the beach. I can’t recall the name of the beach anymore. It was about 15-20 min in covid traffic from their place. Vignesh, the son auto guy, recommended this place, his dad took me there the first time. He took me to the main entrance, ie parking lot, lots of visitors – but even then, it was fantastic.

The second time I went, it was with the son. He didn’t go the sanitized route. We drove past fishermen housing, past boats, netting, piles of fish for sale on the sides of the road, fish cleaning underway and the walloping smell that made my eyes water. I’m sure the romance of the sand and waves doesn’t affect the residents so much, or maybe it was covid – the beach here was almost empty. Some kids playing volleyball, a few other folks. Vignesh would find a spot that was relatively people free, park on the side of the road. He asked me if I was going to the beach for exercise. I said no, just to stand in the water. I could feel his puzzlement. I’d set my alarm for 45 mins, with my cell phone, walk into the water and just stand there with the waves breaking around me. I’d walk far enough in to not see anyone next to me, sometimes I’d look back and be surprised by how far into the water I was compared to others. I must have overdone it one time, or it was a weird tide thing that made the water rougher than usual. The water got into my phone case, killing my phone :(. That phone had the pics from the hikes of 2019. I’m sad it’s gone.

It was a joy to just stand there. Thoughts would run on, but with no specificity. Watching the waves is addictive, is it going to break before it reaches me? where is the next wave? Why are the waves so large just out there? I’d go at least once a week. The parents thought I go there to vent my frustrations with them. Nah, they didn’t even come up in my thoughts. And then the horror of Jan 2021 happened. I couldn’t wait to get to the sea. I wept my sadness out to her, my first catharsis for the horror.

Just before I left Chennai, I asked Vignesh to take me to the beach. I was standing there, watching the hermit crabs exposed by the rolling back of the waves which took their sand cover off. They’d burrow under again, the incoming wave would add more sand, only to be exposed again by the backswell. I saw pieces of junk floating – a handbag someone must have lost, a large piece of plastic wrap, a dead fish. I avoided the latter, retrieved the plastic wrap and ignored the former. And during that visit, the sea came up and kissed me, right on my mouth. I was standing in knee deep water and in the midst of the splashing of waves, there suddenly, this small splash leaps for my face and lands on my mouth. I remember thinking then it was a kiss from the sea to me. I didn’t know it was a farewell kiss. I wasn’t able to go back after that time. So yes, this is me, beloved of the Sea.

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5/8/2021

On the hunt for my next read, I saw this excerpt. A better way to say “God willing” or “Bhagavan punyatthula, kandippa varuven”. It always sounds performatively holy and a bit of preemptive defense, maybe? In any case, RB does it better. Striking close to home in the present time 😦

Unless God send his hail,

Or blinding fireballs, sleet or stifling snow,

In some time, his good time, I shall arrive.

– Robert Browning

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Reviews!

Why did not think of this before?! I have a reading habit, which has devolved into reading romance novels habit. I’ve tried to break this many times, but no luck :(. The day I read my previous colleague (MN)’s post about hoopla was arguably, a very bad day for me. I’ve wasted so many hours on mediocre novels. Once upon a time, when books were scarce, I would stick to a bad book to the bitter end. No more. I have elevated myself to give up if the book doesn’t engage me within 50 pages, give or take. It’s not just the reading which is a time sink, it’s the searching for something to read as well. And I can never remember if I liked an author or have been burned. That’s for books. I’m also going to record the video consumption. Let’s see how this goes.

Authors I like:

Ali Hazelwood – So sweet, loved her first book, cant wait to get my hands on book #2!

Christina Lauren – the middle era books. The first era is just smutty. The second era is gold – the Unhoneymooners, ?? guide to not dating – really sweet. The later era is still good, but not at the level before.

Jessie Q Sutanto – I loved her Dial A for Aunties, just so much fun to be a part of her 4 aunt family. The cavalierness around the dead person is a bit shocking, even more by just how funny I found it.

Kate Clayborn – I just finished Love Lettering, and I mean just. I’m so in love with it, these characters will sit with me for a while. It’s not a book I want to reread immediately, so it’s not light. It’s also not as intense as Sonali Dev’s Bollywood Affair/Bride, I forget which, that I’m still unable to reread. Also, SDev did a blurb for this book, which made me pause before starting it because I knew it would break through.

Kristan Higgins – There is usually a real lol moment in the books. I liked them a lot, but there is often a civil war reenactment thread. It just makes me uncomfortable.

Susan Elizabeth Phillips – Found this author very early on, in Marin itself. She’s the only one from those days who holds up. Still choose to reread my favorites. Mwah!

Sherry Thomas – The writing is *so* good! I remember wanting to copy out a couple of paragraphs about a lake and the weeping willows surrounding it. Even the YA book was really good, but I’m just not up to suffering through teen angst

Sally Thorne – She only has two books, I liked both, the Hating Game more than the other

Helen Hoang – She also has only two books, I liked the first The Kiss Quotient, not so much the other

Christina Pishiris – Love Songs For Skeptics – it’s PG-13, and so very good. There was an author review at the end. She says she loves writing banter, it provides that combustible energy. I rechecked – she said inherently sexy – which is also true. I think it will be hard to get right, though. Curious how many iterations the authors go through before they’re satisfied with it. She’s good at it, not so much that I remember the dialogue, just the sense of smart characters.

Elizabeth Hoyt – They’re good. Well crafted, passionate, strong men and women. But what I like best – I sometimes want to skip chapters to get to the next bit – are these stories of magic she dispenses at the start of a chapter in very small segments. They are meant to set the stage for the narrative, but to me, they are worth their own books, I find them that compelling.

Emily Henry – Beach Read was good

Katy Birchall – Jury leaning towards yes

Sonali Dev – Desi and just really good. I remember her second book, Bollywood Bride, was so intense, I *could not* put it down. I also have not reread it, there was so much pain in it. Plus plot holes that I don’t want to be diverted by. Her first one – Bollywood Affair – also PG-13 – and my favorite. I’m resisting reading the rest of her novels because I don’t want to be done. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.

Jhumpa Lahiri – My feelings about her books are too knotty. Here is one – she doesn’t believe in HEA, I don’t thing. But here is another – I *still* get a lump in my throat when I think of the characters in the first/last stories in Unaccostumed Earth. I must have read it almost 10 years ago, reread about 3-4 years ago. Even now as I write it, the memory is wrenching. That is powerful storytelling.

Josie Silver – I was trying to remember her name earlier. Two lives of Lydia Bird – I know I cried reading it. And the premise is so graspable in a yes! I want that kind of way. I must have gone through a dozen adjectives before settling on that one. But it does that most unsatisfactory of things – for the now to be good, the before has to be bad. And the hea here feels like it is there because that is the rule of the genre. But a story that I remember months after I read it.

Laura Lee Guhrke – No. OMG, no! I actually wonder if this is a pen name for a man, it is so horrible. “she understood the reasons why her father in law wanted a male heir”. The guy who hurts the heroine commits suicide because of the hero’s machinations and this is a good thing?!! Did a #@$! editor even read this? Why am I wasting so much spleen on this horror?

Lauren Dane – No. C grade though. I still finished the book instead of tossing it. Yes, yes, it was the mature factor. But still – stupid

Lee Savino – Yes. Is it the pacing? It’s not prose or character definition. But somehow, it all works.

Madeline Hunter – Idk here, again. Except I read two books back to back, so there’s something here. I’ll probably read more.

Sarah Maclean – Yes. Really good. Though conventionally non beauty becoming stunning in the eyes of the beloved is beginning to irk.

Skye Warren – Idk here, honestly. I’m put off by continuations, there’s something so unsatisfying about going through ~300 pages to find you need 300 more to get to hea. But I was hooked by the heroine, whimsical and loyal, that made me get the second book and read as well. Will I read more? I should not.

Meljean Brook – My first steampunk novel. I would never have opened it if I’d known it was steampunk, was suckered in by the title – The Iron Duke. But honestly, the world they’ve built is interesting, the characters are the best – stoic, brave, the best kind of romantics. Yep!

Sangu Mandanna – A very secret society of irregular witches – xoxo! I was so delighted by this book. I think the author might be desi, but there’s nothing at all desi about this book. Just so lovely

Julie Kriss – Are the books smaller than regular novels? I read 4 of them in a day, at a stretch – I know! I was reading late into the night, was so unwell the next day. What works? Must be the making the best of a raw deal characters, both male and female. And of course, the romance. I’ve got to read it slower to see if it still works

Naomi Novik – yes, but it’s complicated. I’ve read three books, and it’s more of fantasy than romance. I first read The Uprooted, so captivated. Then it was Spinning Silver, also fantastic. The third was forgettable, so.. But I had inkling in book 1 and certainly in book 2 – it has a Semites ill-treated, persevering and ultimately triumphant theme, that’s surprising, in a not good way. I don’t want to think about the author’s motives when reading for easy consumption..

Caroline Linden – pretty good, I think. I wanted to read #2, but pulled myself away

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5/6/2021

I’m so glad WordPress works on Chrome on this laptop. Three posts in three days – I can only ascribe it to no barriers to putting thought to virtual paper. Why switching to Safari to type is such a humongous barrier – idk

Is profound a commonly used word? I first saw it yesterday in SP (ceo’s) email – I am profoundly optimistic – I was and still am quite taken with that phrase. Something about it conjures up a full body faith in that statement. That was in the morning, then I saw it on some article in WP in the afternoon and I went “huh, look another one”. I don’t think it was quite as impactful as SP’s. And this morning, showed up again, either on wapo or Twitter.

Ok, this thought train is boring. Other than SP’s phrase, nothing else stuck – not the location, not the idea expressed. Just a callback to the original and I thought it was something more 😀 profound 😀

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5/5/2021

“Two phenomena bring joy to your work: the belief that you are earning your success, and evidence that you are serving others. Great leaders strive for these things for themselves, and work to provide them to those they lead. ” plan – Arthur Brooks casually demolishing my careful shoring up of gratitude for being gainfully employed :'(. Dammit – I do want to earn my success. The work I’m doing rn – a competent high schooler can take care of it. Please let me be more deserving of the paycheck!!

So I was thinking about this all afternoon. He says earning your success – not paycheck. I guess success for me is indeed wrapped tightly with pay, so I could argue my misread is not a misread at all. But success is also other things – growth, leadership, power – big paycheck doesn’t cover for dissatisfaction in any of these. I know this well :'(. I think it is exacerbated by the secrecy surrounding pay. I’ll follow this thought through another time

My point above is that there is a kind of person who believes they are earning their success – the bootstraps, “I built this” crowd that doesn’t acknowledge time/space/helpers alignment to help them succeed. I want nothing to do with these guys. And outside of them, Idk there are any folks who believe they orchestrate their success. Most folks I respect have an air of bemusement around it – feel really lucky to be in their position and completely recognize it would not have been possible without all the helpers who showed up. So technically, only one road exists for bringing joy to work – evidence that I’m serving others. That takes me completely out of the equation – I can stretch an argument to show I’m indeed serving, but my eyes will roll out of their sockets

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4/26/2021

Idk why Chrome/Wordpress on Mac doesn’t work for me, I can’t get to the writing page. Idk why opening it up in Safari feels like a big barrier and alien. I’m really grateful I can continue the posting habit, but really, why is Chrome not working? Google is not helpful in finding my answer. My setup is not unique, why am I the only one affected? Turns out it’s only on that one Mac, but it’s my most used Mac. Oh please fix yourself!!

Continuing from the previous post – yes, Shtisel is off my watch list now. I looked at the Continue Watching list and it’s a sad commentary. Apart from Shtisel, I have Lupin – if you are going to make a show where the hero does incredible stuff and you then say “Eh, Idk how he did it, but he did” – you are making a lazy superhero movie without at the very least, adhering to a few of their tropes. Nix Nix. Then I have Baker and the Beauty – did I already rant about this? How did the heroine get this role? She’s so stiff and unlikeable. The guy is cute, but plays it naive and puppy dog in this role. I stuck around for a couple of episodes for this kid, but no more. Then there is The Stand-in – the absolute worst of this list. I started it because Drew Barrymore! Just ugh all the way down from premise to characters to dialog

I read an update from Roman Mars of 99pi. He’s selling the show to Stitcher. I’m sure it’s great etc. But my biggest whiplash moment in the series of twitter posts announcing this change – he’s donating a million dollars to PRX!! I have an image of RM in my head as a person like me and the whiplash was from that image detonating. He has a $1M to give away! I wonder how the image got constructed, because I don’t think it is true for Jad Abdumrad or Peter Segal – I think they’re pretty well off, I’d still be surprised by a 1M donation, though I wouldn’t find it so teutonic. So why the enormous surprise with RM? I think PRX and Radiotopia have a homespun, handmade feel about them – no, the quality and production values were fabulous – it’s just a word association I’ve built up. That and their quirky fund drives with the challenge coins and RM’s origin story as a test engineer and the not too swanky, but really good website also having a homegrown feel. So all in all, assumption shattered and my naivete in this narrow area of experience has taken what feels like a body blow.

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5/3/2021

I heard a most amazing statistic today. I joined Google (yeah, that story is in my drafts, I’m sure). For a product to move the needle in terms of revenue, it has to make $5b. A $50m -100m product is meh. My brain’s been reeling since I heard it earlier this am and more as I write it. What resources you must be sitting on for that statement to be true?!! I’m pin balling between Wow!, they started from $0 and are now here, Wow! – yeah, many stations for wow! on my pinball board rn.

It’s actually 5/3!! I had the date above as 4/3.

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