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Archive for June, 2014

DD #536

It’s Sunday.  I spent the entire day inside today.  I woke up with a headache and couldn’t get out of the bedroom because DH had the chanting thing going.  I was thinking I’d sit in meditation, but by the time I showered, that plan changed.  Watched the first Copa Mundial game with the headache.  DH bought us breakfast at McD, I keep telling myself no supporting these juggernauts.  So breakfast with guilt.  Game got over, DH headed to bed (he’d gotten up early) and so did I.  Got up at 2, headache almost gone, I think.  DH made me some lunch and left with DD for lunch.  I finished, got back into bed, started watching the 2nd game and just got so tired of the sound.  Set up my seat and sat in quiet for I don’t know how long.  That was interesting, the inner push to sit.  No work to watch or deal with thoughts.  I got back into bed when I was done, the game had gone into overtime, decided by penalty kicks.  More tv, came out of there, sat with dd, more tv.  Dinner, more tv, now it’s bedtime, still more tv.  So yes, am rather disappointed in myself, but it’s more irritating that I cannot do a good relax without worrying about my dad’s business.  I have relinquished the ropes to DB and I am getting worried that nothing’s changing.  Will send email tonight and begin seriously tomorrow.

Not all TV today, I also read this article at the Atlantic about genius/heredity/mental illness.  Not only do the geniuses face the possibility of “mood disorders” and schizophrenia, so do their children.  I don’t think it said much about grandchildren, but I think it just goes to follow.  I loved the line from the A Beautiful Mind guy – “The thoughts about aliens came from the same place as my insights in math.  How would I know to ignore one but not the other?.”  Another one – “You don’t see your gifts because to you , it is just so obvious”  So I’m reconsidering my “why not me?!” angst.  I’m positive I don’t want genius if it has to come with this baggage, but I’m also reminded of Nocchur Swami’s statement the other day – Unless your art or work is offered to or in service to the divine, it will not bring you happiness.  

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DD #535

I work at a small company now zS….  It’s close to a year.  I was exhausted when I joined here.  Urk!  I just noticed it was midnight! This movie is quite good – The Last King of Scotland.  I swore I wouldn’t do this late night movie watching anymore after I screamed at the poor woman at the UCDavis med group.  Yet – here I am.  Earlier this evening I was staring at myself in the mirror so puzzled and aghast at the shelf around my midriff. Where did it come from? What do I need to do to get it to go away?  I recall looking at Gayatri’s relative’s midriff shelf and wondering how she could have let it become thus.  Now I’m in the same boat.  And I was very stern with myself.  All this exercising, control the calorie intake etc.  And pfft, I just scarfed down a bowl of kootu and a kulfi.  But back to the original point..

But just before that, another unrelated topic.  Some families have an embarrassment of blessings – Ira Glass’s cousin is Phillip Glass. I found that out with this week’s This American Life.  Really?!  Can you imagine their family get togethers?  

Now, really back.  I wanted to quit so desperately and just stay home for a while.  DH talked me out of it at that time and since January, he’s been on my case about quitting and joining a larger stable company.  I don’t know precisely why – less work in a larger company? less stress?  I’m resisting – I don’t want to have yet another short term move.  I think I’m more effective here than in most of my previous places. And then today happened.  The ceo had been on a trip to Asia and through a happy set of coincidences, gets to meet and wow the richest man in China with our product.  If I’d done a drinking game for each time he mentioned Terry G, I’d have to be carted away.  I was looking at the other faces in the room.  Everyone (all the men) was beaming hanging on to each word.  Loud laughter on all the Terry G anecdotes.  You’ve got to give it to PK (ceo) – he knows how to tell a tale.  Nothing concrete yet, but even I am dreaming about a big paydate at the end of this dance.  So good on him.  But what to me is interesting – what is the mental state of this man Terry?  His lieutenants mantra – what TG wants, TG gets.  TG doesn’t take no for an answer.  He employs million+ people – that’s more than the population of SJ(!!).  His executive staff is 8000 people!  He’s a mover/shaker of the highest order and no wonder PK’s jazzed by the attention.  He’s got Meg Whitman, Tim Cook on speed dial and now his attention is on PK.  Does he feel invincible?  Does he think this has been created by him or he’s a co-creator?  With so many people hanging on to his every word, does he believe he’s smarter than everyone else?  Does he have a spiritual practice?  What a samskar to live out in this life – I’m so sure I am not envious of him.  His scale is too gigantic for me, but I am curious – is he happy?  Does he have to time to check in to see if he is?

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DD #534

It’s June 2014, half the year is gone.  Busy, busy, busy, but no sense of accomplishment.  Still curious what it means to jump out of bed each day with enthusiasm.  I get up with the sun – well, the mind does – the eyes want to stay shut.  There’s a push/pull with twitchiness rising until I’ve got to get off the bed.  And then I’m sleepy throughout the day.

Babaji no longer comes to MMC.  This has been since last October.  His work with me is incomplete.  Why?  I still have Iyakkam.  I still feel unloved, that I am the duckling that needs to prove herself worthy.  But he’s out of time, I guess.  I get to visit with him once a month or so for half an hour.  Yes, it is a blessing.  That I want more makes me feel guilty.  I’m not able to move on.

Is there ever a day that I’ll not be worried about DS?  He’s beginning his final year.  When is the deadline for deciding if he’s going to do a postbac or apply directly for a Masters’? Is he preparing to take the gre, is he studying for it?  Is he happy? Why is he not ….. like this other kid I know is?  What could I have done to not be in this position today?  See – Iyakkam.  

ok, sleepy now.  Gtg.  

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