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Archive for May, 2016

It’s always a pleasure to read what I wrote earlier.  Honestly, Joan Didion has it so right, I like to be friends with the person I was at the time of writing.

So it’s my 25th year reunion from college.  I swear I graduated just a couple of years ago, the hurts are all so close to the surface.  Of course I’m not going, but am part of the whatsapp group that was created to generate the me-too coalitions.  Half the people I don’t remember.  Here’s a question – does everyone other than me have kids going to name brand schools and are super successful?  One of the people I was closer to – I’ll call her PG – is a CTO(!!) – at a company in Boston, she used to run the technology for Fidelity before.  And her daughter – CS at Carnegie Mellon.  She came here for a visit and collected folks to visit.  I was so doubtful, but went anyway.  I met others from my batch – JP, R, and then the usual actors.  PG was so sweet, still amazed at her success.  The usual actors showed up, hung out in their exclusive group, were so happy in their authoritative clarity.  It confirmed things – I don’t belong with them.

Then this past Friday night – I was at the srr temple for the beginning of the maha rudram.   I was in two minds whether to go and asked Bhagavan.  He said Go and I went fine.  I went to the deities to do namaskaram with my daughter and walked around this woman in a pink saree, judging it and the wearer – it was stiff and hung separately from the woman.  I get up and she looks at me and says “Hey Y!”  I’m as usual, blank, but decided she must be the person who was Chicago cousin’s friend and tell her she has a great memory.  She knew I thought she was someone else and said “Of course, it’s been 25 years.  I don’t think you remember me, I am S”.  One of the least likely to succeed members of my class, total hausfrau, completely traditional – all judgements I’d had then and remembered instantly.  I said OMG, of course you are, invited her to sit with me.  Instantly comfortable – because of course I consider myself superior to her.  We talk abt kids, her daughter is in SD, doing bio engg.  OK.  First strike to ego.  DD is with me, I say she’s headed to Riverside.  Puja gets over and we’re parting ways.  I take her number and say – For sure, you have to come over to my place.  I have no hesitation making the invitation because I don’t imagine in a million years it will be rejected.  She says I’ll call you for Golu, but I’m very busy otherwise.  The surprise in my face is super clear.  And then she explains herself – what with my son being Intel Finalist, I have to take him around everywhere and I have other things going on.  Body blow to ego.  WTF!  Completely unexpected rejection, and raising a %(#& finalist.  Maybe the secret to having genius children is to have known me?  I did the I’m a lousy mother, my genes are the weak link, and the Bhagavan queries – why not me and why put me in this situation.  Tried to remember to be grateful and breathe and be present – challenge!  But the why put me in this situation is a good question.  I can see that it is to root out my judgemental nature.  Or maybe this feeling of superiority that I carry around that has no basis for its existence.  Bhagavan – is there a gentler way to get this task done?  I’m reeling. I always used to think the cheer in cheerai azhitthu nirvanamai cheidu meant money and you were going to make me a pauper.  Perhaps one aspect of cheer is ego?  I’m reeling Muruga.  But it turns me to thinking of you.  I feel my carefully constructed cover being ripped and I’m exposed.  So part 1 of the verse is working well, just make sure part 2 is also simultaneous!

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