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Archive for April, 2014

DD #533

Hi sweetness!  Yep, I talk to you all the time, so even though I’ve been awol for a long time, it feels like dd #522 was only yesterday.  My poa is to write during one of my many meetings where I have a hard time staying awake 😦  I am exhausted.  I am very worried that I am getting back to my deeply dark days of Palm v2.  I wanted to sleep in this am, but the number of unknowns I need to manage, the knowns I have to do all kept surfacing.  Anxiety builds until I couldn’t stay in bed any longer.  This is not the first time this has happened either.

I am drowning in doubting my capacity.  Everyone seems to think quicker than me, speak better than me,  more knowledgeable in even things I’m supposed to know.  Even build engg is killing me, all the tools in this place are tools I don’t know and don’t have the time to familiarize myself with.  I don’t want to list them, don’t want to attract some poor guy’s search and then disappoint him.  In addition to BE, I’m doing PM – project/program management.  Half of it is secretary work, which of course irritates me.  The other half is people expecting me to know stuff and make informed decisions.  This scares me.  I’m paranoid that people are rolling their eyes behind my back.  Are the meetings well run?!  IDK!  Is the project being managed properly?! IDK!!  But people do ask for my call and act accordingly, so can I take it that I’m doing something right?  Writing this is stressing me out 😦

These people have wasted 40 mins talking abt measurements!

Oh!  discovery of the week – Kabir’s songs by Pandit Kumar Gandharva on YouTube.  I first heard Ud Jayega at MMC by Sujatha (her son is also a super singer) and even w/o knowing the meaning, I was moved to tears.  Then a couple of days ago, Ganesan Mama sent this link with PKG on YT and the meaning also.  There were two songs Ud Jayega and Avadhoota Gagan Ghata.  And this led to the discovery of Sunta hai Guru Gyani.  If it moves me this much, how much more for people who can process the meaning while hearing!  I guess I should be grateful for at least knowing a little bit of Hindi and being able to tune in to the evocation.  I feel so bad for the kids 😦

 

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