Archive for November, 2013

DD #532

I have to sneak in my time with wordpress – I hate this environment where there’s no privacy ūüė¶ ¬†

I have discovered something about myself – I am a binger. ¬†In the past couple of months, over a couple of weekends, I finished watching all seasons of Downton Abbey and Homeland. ¬†It’s not a good thing, not for the wasted time, though that is very guilt-inducing. ¬†It is an injustice to the show itself. ¬†Homeland is head and shoulders above DA, but I started with DA first. ¬†All the repetitiveness, the swings in the character (shudder: the Lord Crawley attention to the maid) all didn’t have the benefit of having a week or more to sink in and gel before the next change is thrown at you. ¬†But I doubt any gel time will allow me to think of Mary Crawley as this femme fatale whom men can’t stop wanting to marry :S ¬†Homeland is done much better, so it lends itself to binge-watching, but towards the middle of season 2, you can predict Carrie will go running into danger, everyone will be yelling at her to stop and she’ll come out with the prize. ¬†Every. Single. Time. ¬†And so many guys so supportive of her. ¬†Yeah right. ¬†And she’s oblivious + rude to everyone. ¬†Here too, small missteps that you wouldn’t probably notice during a regular showing become glaring – I’m a bad man who kills bad people – Really?! ¬†And sometimes people are concerned about open lines, and other times, they are chatting away on cell phones. ¬†Like I said, you start noticing the scenery when you binge-watch. ¬†The final straw, the ongoing threats and explosions start to get old. ¬†That’s when you know you have to go back to real time.

Going back to real time – I am so lost here, so many tools and I have experience in none of them. ¬†Everything takes n*2 to do. ¬†It’s demoralizing. ¬†And the excitement of learning something new is non-existent. ¬†How long can this sustain itself, especially when I wake up every day thinking can I skip work today? Does this lack of energy spill into my weekend or is there a different lethargy occupying my weekends?


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Rachel McAdam (I think that is her name) is in a new movie About Time with ads happening all the time. ¬†I have this seriously allergic reaction to her. ¬†Teeth set, throat clenched. ¬†Why? She looks pretty, waif like figure, but there’s something about her eyes and smile that’s completely off-putting to me. ¬†There is a knowingness about it that says I know I’m first in line to America’s sweetheart title. ¬†That title retired with Meg Ryan. ¬†Do I think that because I was young at the time she was AS and can’t stand the changing of guard? ¬†I’ve actually seen her in a movie with Channing Tatum (this aversion does not seem to extend to men, this guy is top of the list right now) and she was pretty good. ¬†Maybe it is a badly done ad, or even a bad movie – I can’t believe anyone seeing the premise would actually want to pay money and go to the movie. ¬†

In other news, I can’t seem to stop eating ūüė¶

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DD #531- moorless

Ah, I can’t go on like this. ¬†I don’t have any enthusiasm for work, but I can’t bear to let go of the money. ¬†Blaming it on DH’s reluctance is one of my escape hatches, I’m sure of it. ¬†Actually, I’m sure of nothing except that I’m unsure. ¬†What do I want? Blech, I have erased it even here – no demands on my time (scary if I think on it for more than 2 seconds), time to meditate (but will I actually do it?), a vibrant life (too much energy needed, I feel daunted even with the name). ¬†So I don’t know what I want, but I seem to believe that quitting my job will give me quiet and peace to figure it out. ¬†Do I want it because all of my friends have it? ¬†I don’t know if it is my copying tendency that’s running amok. ¬†I’m desperately romanticizing lazy mornings, communing with my plants, strolls in the shopping aisles, lunches with the brids and grass in the park, but past experience says it will be lazy days with me laying waste to the remote.

I feel all this lack of energy and I start to think – ah, this is the fall of personal will. ¬†My eyes won’t stop rolling even as I type this. ¬†Here’s my pseudo spirituality jumping in to provide answers. ¬†Is it pseudo, is the answer somehow right? ¬†I don’t know. ¬†Here’s where rituals, regular practice and reading would come in handy, but wouldn’t you know it, the lack of energy saps that too. ¬†When you need it most is when it is available the least. ¬†And it is a vicious circle, forcing myself into a routine takes more energy which I don’t already have, work suffers even more, tasks pile up, all lead to not being able to practice some more.

Here’s an epiphany I had – most of us are trying to fill our days. ¬†BFFP talked to Arpita and says the later was wondering what she would do with her time now that Babaji’s schedule is changing. ¬†It is only us idiots who worry about what to do with our time. ¬†Has Bhagavan or Babaji ever worried about what they’d do with their time? ¬†What’s the difference between them and us on this point? I think all of us fill our days with things to avoid staring into the void. ¬†The void’s presence sometimes becomes unmistakable, leading to prolonged bouts of moorlessness. ¬†During this time, I read trashy novels, watch gobs of tv, eat and generally let the place rot. ¬†I manage to snap out of it and cleanup the mess I got into, except it leaves less time to root out the cause of the ennui in the first place.

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I am watching TV – Million Dollar Shopper – with something close to horror – are the shoppers really talking about their clients this way on natl tv? Are the clients so gratuitously mean or are they acting for tv? Do people really spend 5K on an outfit? why do these shoppers do this for a pittance? – so many questions, not worth the time they are thought of, let alone come up with an answer. ¬†Past all this, the hand does not rise to turn off the tv. ¬†Eating cheetos, same deal, really clear thought to stop, that this is unhealthy and doesn’t taste good even, but no translation into action. ¬†Dailykos, sfgate, thank god nytimes cut down their # of free articles, but still ūüė¶ ¬†Why is there such a space between thought and action?

I think my mind is growing weaker. ¬†I find meditation or chanting to be much harder,the control loosens and the thoughts weave around drunkenly. ¬†I’ve always associated this being unable to foucs one-pointedly as proof of weekness, it now surrounds me.

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