I started the blog post yesterday, must have left it untouched.  I went to see Babaji today, even knowing how much he has declined, I was not able to stop my tears when I saw him.  He was sleeping in his chair when we walked in, and woke up a few minutes later.  He appeared startled to see so many faces and kept going around each face in a cycle.  One girl was holding his right hand.  Ratna told me later this was to prevent him from thrashing around and hitting himself.  He was twining his feet together and others ahead of me were massaging his feet, trying to keep them apart.  I took over from the previous person, the first time I had the privilege of touching his feet.


What James Clear doesn’t talk about is sustainability.  I said this was the kind of person I am, set a minimum threshold, and followed through for what, a week?  And then cycle down.  Discouraged.  And the Naladiyar is boring 😦


Went to a Kathak solo this evening with DD.  Folks from the previous era came over to say hi and do the you’ve grown so much thing with DD.  One asked – are you in college? Where?  UC B?  I rue the next words that came out of my mouth.  Ha, the other end.  Why Bhagavan?!

The kid who did the solo was amazing, her fingers were mesmerizing.  I was so worried er ghungroo were coming off.  She was losing energy in the 108 chakkars, but pulled it off, her teacher exhorting her to not stop.  And there’s something about these efforts that brings tears to my eyes.  Solo kid was accompanied by kid on a flute, so incredibly clear and gorgeous.  Flute kid has older sister too.  Older sis is now in Stanford, has a summer job and so was not present.  When people’s kids go to these “name” universities, their voice drops, a minor hesitation.  They hurry through the name hoping the rest of us won’t hear it.  Is this in my head or really real?  Dadaji would have been so proud.   Flute kid’s mom, I’ve met twice since I went back.  She just glows.  Solo kid’s parents drove her to YC class from Sac every Sunday.  That proves it, they were both given the child raising handbook.  Oh well :/


It’s going to be almost 100 days of #45.  I was listening to Patrisse Cullors on Politically Reactive.  She said Palestinians call Israel 48 as a form of protest and similarly, she’s going to use 45 to refer to Twitler.  I couldn’t find anything in Google to corroborate the 48 story, but going with 45 as it feels slightly less gaggy.

I don’t laugh anymore when watching Colbert or Maher or even John Oliver.  It’s more a pained grimace.  And Maher – I’m disagreeing more with him that I ever did before.

DD – 2/28/2017

I miss my POTUS.  Today was Twitler’s first address to the nation.  I used to tune in to POTUS’s speeches not for policy, but for the eloquence.  The beauty in the words and the musicality in his address.  I can’t even bear to hear this guy’s voice.  How could people dislike POTUS and be enamored of this guy?  The brain falls apart to imagine people could have actually voted for him.  How can you trust a guy who lost $900m?  Who boasted that he didn’t pay any federal taxes?  I still recall the clip where he stood with a water bottle, sprayed it around, mocking Rubio.  How can anyone respect the man?

There’s hyperventilating in the media when one of the Rs speak up.  It was McCain a couple of weeks ago.  Oh look! The man who was mocked earlier is now unleashing his vitriol.  Oh how great!  All the breathlessness of people expecting a catfight.  Like in Bridget Jones’ Diary where the guy runs into the restaurant and with suppressed glee announces fight!  And then 42 says mildly, oh, I don’t like racism – and the crowd goes wild again.  Should the response not be, what took you so long, mister?  Or, really, this is all you got?

All around the country, Jewish community centers and schools are getting threats about bombs in the building.  What horror!  People are being evacuated, police coming in and sweeping the place.  A few weeks ago, Netanyahu declared Twitler was a friend of Jews.  And no further statement from Israel on these threats, today Twitler says these threats are to make him look bad.  Children in kindergarten are asked to march out of their classrooms holding each other’s hand.  Receptionists are in tears – fear, anger, helplessness – on receiving the phone call and Twitler can think only of how this reflects on him?  See first paragraph.  How?!  If it is on this wide a scale, we should have answers or leads by now, no?  But WaPo and NyTimes have little coverage on this.  It should be wall-to-wall, no?  Why is it not?!

I was thinking about how important it was for me to work at a job I believed in.  That my daily 8+ hours netted into a positive contribution to the world.  I heard about this ballot measure for SF – set the new bar closing times to 5am instead of the current 2am.  The reasoning for – people who come out to dine after a movie or theater need a drink with their dinner.  A woman was parrotting these lines.  ok, too sleepy to continue

DD – 2/23/2017

Hey, my #1 for this week.  I’ll be done with my minimum threshold.  So yay!

Yesterday was interesting behaviourally.  I got home, sat for meditation (yes, this is a new lovely thing, what with not being responsible for producing dinner for two kids, I have this bracket of time.  Yes, DH is back home, but he was skipping dinner.  I do the same falling asleep in front of B, but I still feel happy to have been sitting in my spot.  I also debate myself on if this is the best use of my time, perhaps I should be exercising but somehow, this feels more right, so soldiering on).  When I finished, I still had an hour before I needed to get to bed.  I wanted to clean up the sink, drink some hot water and then bedtime.  But I remembered DH had Homeland for me.  I was too lazy to get up and get my laptop, so I sat around watching BBT/MF until DH came up.  I asked him to set it up and then told myself I’d only watch one episode.  By the end of #1, 2 automatically started, so I went through #2.  I stopped at the end and told myself that I neeeded to do the paatu.  (Ah, I had class yesterday.  It was a different experience, very focused on the lesson.  I asked about her knee, then she said go ahead and sing.  Went through the song.  Same corrections that DS gave and in some cases, just slight changes to how I sang that made it match her delivery.  Just the comfort with which she jumps from swara to swara.  I hesitantly place my voice and try to see if I’m on the correct spot or not.  I got a very good, but am continuing on the same song.  As I was leaving, she said good news about DS.  DS also surprised she didn’t respond to his email about ob.  Like I said, a bit odd).  I had the corrections, I pulled out the tape, tried to fix each and that was done.  I should have stopped here, but I started #3.  I told myself it would be for as long as I drank some milk.  I did clean up the kitchen though and then made myself some milk.  Drank it, but didn’t turn off the tv.  #3 cut off in the middle and went off to #4.  Still didn’t stop.  Fell asleep in the middle, DH came by and yelled at me for bingewatching.  Finished the episode at 12:45 without any understanding of what went on (except for the big plot lines).  Went to bed w/o even changing out of my clothes.  Super disturbed sleep with thoughts rushing in and out without any pattern.  Couldn’t hold on to a thought even if I wanted to.  Am so sleepy right now (it’s 4 pm).  What is the point of this self-inflicted torture?

DD – 2/18/2017

The title is a bit daunting – you want to get it right, be pithy, reflect the content you’ve yet to write.

So this is #3 for the week.  I am over my min, but there are somethings I want to work out.

First off – BFP – aargh!  So this happened.  MMC is going through an evolutionary phase.  The temple is growing bigger, upsetting the balance between the rest of the elements.  They have an integration committee, C was asked to join this in 2013.  There is this us vs them mentality at the temple.  The BLMM (Babaji Loves Me Most) crowd feeds on this.  Sita does this and sometimes I think JD does this too.  They throw around words such as racism and profiling – you are never going to have common ground with someone whom you’ve accused of racism, no?  I think it is fair to want to preserve the spirit of the place that first drew us to it.  So late last year, the TIC wanted to expand.  They asked BFP.  The woman says I can’t because family.  Per her, she told them I would be a great option.  Yes, it rankles, having been asked second.  JD says I was considered as a good option because I spend a lot of time at the CB.  So J and I were asked to join the TIC.  J is a BLMM too.  I go to my first meeting, I’m marking out my territory as a moderate, flinging out euphemisms and abbreviations – this is actually one of my worries, am I making myself too moderate to ingratiate myself?  Don’t think so, but something to watch out for.  BFP tells me, even before the first meeting!, that because of my views, I might be ineffective as a member of the committee.

Fast forward to last week – the TIC wanted to go ahead with a meeting with the community, and because of the storms, the roads are closed.  In quick succession, C, J and I said we wouldn’t come and the meeting was postponed.  So the BLMMs say, ah, this is wonderful, we need to act as a bloc and let’s meet to talk about it.  So where do we meet?  In BFP’s house.  Her husband is also there, the guy has been to MMC once and is pontificating on what we should do.  The darn meeting was 3:30 hrs long and everyone kept repeating the same things.  I went there hoping to say little, lost my control about 1/2 hour in.  I finally said I had to leave, they would have continued for ever.  The plan when we broke off was for me to send an email to tic with my position, J and C to respond with their viewpoints.  I sent mine last Sat, nothing from those two yet.

So Tue, I was still pissed about the meeting, but told myself I should let it go.  Asked BFP if I could join her for tea.  I go over there and she tells me she’s disappointed in me.  Her husband is and so are J and C.  Their wives called her and were worried that I had made their positions in TIC weaker.  That even after listening to her story and the tales from C over the past years and seeing with my own eyes, I still would not change my position.  Why the fuck should I care if her husband is disappointed and what does he have to do with this org?  I am also disturbed about being the subject of these BLMM conversations.  I said if she were disappointed, she should have done something about it when she had the chance.  She gave me some rigamarole about she  stood up to them and said she wasn’t attending the meeting (fat lot of good that does!) and what else can she do (:/)  She said she never tells anyone what to do and she says she did that day, but I don’t recall it.  She said I should do what feels right to me (thanks for the unasked for permission!) I said she’d told me what to do earlier too (a year ago, maybe) telling me I should choose sides, she couldn’t recall it.  I finally said I can’t talk about it anymore and left soon after.

So on Wed, I get this long text.  I’m important to her, we should be able to talk about everything, but this one thing she disagreed with me so totally that it would be best we didn’t mention it at all because it would hurt our relationship.  Ok, fine.  Then part II, she never tells anyone what to do, so I should know that I misunderstood.  WTF!  I responded back after a day saying yes to censoring and that in her story I might have misunderstood, but in mine she misremembers.  I’m rather proud of that rejoinder, actually.  No response to that yet.

Today, I’m at home, the weather is gloomy and would have been great to hang out in her or my living room.  But I didn’t want to call.  I’m still smarting over the disappointments.  And honestly, I do need other friend options.  Universe, are you listening?  I’m planning to sign up for the book club at the library, need to get my head out of these idiot romance novels and read something lovely once in a while.  Both the kids are out of the house and time actually weighs on me.  Today, after lunch, there was nothing to do.  Fine, I folded laundry, sat for meditation.  I could have filled up my time with things worthwhile to do – shred docs, put away DH’s trip stuff.  But without an external motivator, nothing :/