DD # 506

Hmm, whaddya know?  I return to writing after almost 8 months and the last entry I saw on the  home page was DD #504, one of the happiest memories of my life.  === Why am I trying to edit that line?  That was the first that came to mind and since that time, a lot of really?! and trying to come up with others to compare before I shut it down.  I hope all this awareness is a good thing and not just navel gazing }-) ===  DD#505 was in drafts.  It’s still incomplete, but I posted it anyway.  But coming back to 504 was a lovely present.  And what a difference a few months makes?!  In the land of doubts, questioning all teachers and teachings, even the daily meditation practice is failing.  DH has taken over the puja almost completely, so that ritual is also done for me now.  I just cleaned the sink this evening, after more than 3 days of non-sparkle.  Please God, it took me a long time to train myself, because my faith is being tested, let me not unwind all the way to the beginning.   So the cause of all this doubt?  DS.  I’ll tell you tomorrow.

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DD #505

Mid way into January now.  I’ve been thinking about 2011.  If anything, it was the year of the Guru for me.  I’d met Babaji the previous year.  I was at MMC on New Year’s day.  The Arati in the temple and then the Yagna in the CB.  Sita singing Sing My Heart Sing.  Let my eyes gaze upon Thee.  Upon my Lord! Upon my Lord!  Hare Ram, Hare Ram.  Rama Rama hare hare! Hare Ram.  It still gives me chills.

Then I met Ganesan Mama.  He had come to Bhagavan’s Aradhana and the next day, he gave a speech at SP’s house.  I wasn’t even planning to go, but I changed my mind at the last minute.  It was so divine, a couple of hours time travel back to the Ashram when he was there physically.  When I went to get prasad, he held on to the orange and looked at me.  I remember feeling puzzled and checking with P – am I not going to get prasad?  And then Mama said, “Thank you so much for listening”, and gently gave me the orange and covered my hands.  I was in tears.  And then there was the impromptu talk after dinner.  He was surrounded by men, I wormed my way into the circle and got a second fill.  And at the end, he said, “What’s your name?”  I said. “Mine?  My name is Yamuna”.  And he said, “That’s how you meditate.  I am not Yamuna.  I am Brahman.  This was what Gangai told me.  I was standing in the Ganges and she told me herself.  This is how I meditate.  I am not Ganesan.  I am Brahman.  Jai Ganga Mata ki Jai!  You can use your deity”.  I heard the people around me do a collective in breath and I knew it was momentous when Subbu touched my cheek to show how delighted he was for me.  Me – I was going, really?  That sounds different from what Bhagavan says.  I didn’t even get to do Pranam to Mama.  He left immediately after.

Then I went to see Adya.  It was to have been earlier, but I had to go pick up DS and DH at the airport and missed him in Palo Alto.  DH drove me up to Santa Cruz that first time.  And I still recall his words on the Be Still mahavakya.  It is not to be taken as a command, it means to let things be as they are.   Still confused about it.  My Christmas tree is still up.  Let things be as they are doesn’t exactly work in this case.  And not doing it is causing me heartburn from the heart up.  The legs aren’t moving.  And that began my Adya following, can’t place the right word here.

This is all in January.  DH hasn’t been to MMC yet.  Babaji is slowly working his magic on the family.  He’d been going to MMC on Sat and one day, Sita told us Babaji asked for him during the week.  Where’s Chandrashekar?  He’d always ask for DS when I went there without him and we slowly began going there twice a week and then thrice.  So happy to have been working at WR at the time that allowed me to do this.

Then in June(? – time’s getting fudgy for me), I met Amma.  What joy!

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