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Archive for August, 2015

8-30-2015

My DD turned 17 yessterday.  I still remember with clarity the day she was born, how I was uncomfortable and decided to sleep on the floor, felt my water break and thought I’d just let it happen and then decided to go to the bathroom because I didn’t want to mess up the new comforter (yes, I know, priorities!).  Happily hung around for a while and then called the doc who said hang around for a while longer.  When I told DH, he became a nut.  Wore his shirt backside front in his haste to get me out the door and into the hospital.  Drove to SF, stayed in the waiting room for a while and finally got to the delivery room.  The doctor had a nice voice, gravelly.  I had more pain with the injections they were trying to give me for the pain than the birth itself.  I remember looking at her when the doctor held her by the Apgar table, thinking she looked like my sister and wondering how our relationship would be like.  She latched on to nurse like that, I was so surprised.  And every year, I’m more in love with her than ever.  I can see and sense the strong attachment, it’s scary because I’ve seen the dark side of such a love.  Hopefully, I’ll know to relinquish when the time comes.  But am thoroughly enjoying the present.  She is that – my present.

Part II – I’ve spent so much time thinking about this, it’s got to stop.  Putting it into words, I’m hoping, will be the key for that. I called BFFP last Wed to ask if she could take DD to school for the band practice.  DH and I were stuck at work.  She said no (didn’t give a reason), I said fine.  She asked what would DD do, I said she’d have to bike.  Few minutes later, I get this text – I’m in a very disturbed mental state right now, don’t want to take responsibility for driving anyone.  Called you in the morning, but you didn’t pick up the phone as usual.  Don’t worry, this doesn’t affect our relationship.  I need to be by myself for a bit, but I still love you.  I was royally pissed – a mixture of disappointment, anger and outrage.  I’d assumed she needed to be elsewhere, but to find out it was because of a “mental state” still makes me mad.  Disappointed is such a shallow word for how this feels – betrayed is more like it.  Betrayed because I expected more from a person who calls herself my bf, whom I expect to have my back and who would know I call for assistance as a last resort and so it needs to be important enough to get over yourself.  Anger because I’m tallying up all the times I’ve gone out of my way to support her pickup/dropoff logistics with her son and mother.  Here’s my question – if she hadn’t said anything, I’d have assumed she had to be someplace else and made my peace with it.  She could have easily used a white lie, instead she told me her truth and it’s making me livid.  Should she have just kept up the lie?  For sure, it would have saved me heartburn.

Then the second part – what the heck is the action expected from me when I receive this text?  Am I supposed to inquire into the nature of the mental state or honor the taking of time to oneself?  Is the expectation that I remain waiting until she decides she’s had enough time and is ready to mingle with the proletariat?  Am I to check in periodically to see if the mental state is still turbulent?  There’s this aspect of being taken for granted – when I climb down from my perch, she’ll be ready and eager to continue where we left off – that’s also irking me.  Hah – wrote that twice, so it must be bothering me a lot.  How would it end?  A summons via text, come join me for tea?  A dropin on my doorstep to show vedalam has left murungai maram?  Here’s the part I’m really sure of – it will affect the way I interact with her.  Got to go to bed, will continue tmrw.

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08-25-2015

I met Shri Kamakshi Swamigal this afternoon.  The history here is interesting.  A couple of years ago, I was talking to Ranjini’s mil about my brother and our sadness that they don’t have children yet.  As I was leaving their house, Mami told me about Kamakshi Swamigal and told me to go see him when I went to India or ask parents etc.  She gave me a small envelope that had his picture and phone number.  I didn’t have plans to go.  I was worried about asking my parents.  So I asked DBro if he wanted to ask his in-laws to go visit Swamiji.  He politely declined.  I then kept begging DH to go when he visited India, but never worked out.  I even asked DSis to go, but she couldn’t either.  The photo kept going around with me in my wallet.  I took it out sometime last year and placed it next to Babaji.  I offer him naivedyam when I offer to Babaji and Hanuman.  And then last Saturday, there was a music concert by one of the school kids in Woodside (why would they choose this far off venue?!).  It was a choice between going there or going to the Kamakoti Peetam prathishtapanai on Walsh Ave.  I went to the latter – was too tired to drive 35 mins to Woodside, DD was super tired.  Puja gets done, am in line waiting for the food dist.  Mami is standing next to me and this woman ( I still emember her odd necklace which had some kind of while stone (diamonds?) but was high enough up on her neck that it looked like it was choking her) comes up and asks Mami if she’ll join a Lalitha Sahasranamam chanting program.  Mami says fine and walks away.  I was disengaged thinking why would I want to go to her house to chant LS.  After talking to Mami, she turns to me and says, how about you, could you join us?  I was trying to come up with a polite decline when she said Kamakshi Swamigal will be presiding.  I went “Kamakshi Swamigal?  I thought he only went to Dallas?”  She said it was his first visit to the Bay Area.  I told her I’d be there.  Checked with Mami, she was equally surprised, but told me to not miss this opportunity.  I got the email that evening, her house is in Los Gatos.  It felt Ambal said “Fine, Mountain will go to Mohammed” and sent him here.

I have to add details later, need to get to bed.

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8-22-2015

Had a Babaji dream after a long hiatus.  I’m in a large room, but it is not MMC.  There’s some kind of sofa/divider.  Sita and I are standing near it and there are many other people there, there’s anticipation in the air.  And Babaji walks in, he’s not in Babaji clothes, rather a colorful, I want to say tie/dye with an abundance of blue, large t-shirt and old man loose pants.  He walks in at a healthy pace, is wearing sunglasses and walks quickly towards Sita and myself.  Upon reaching us, he does namaskaram to Sita, touches her feet.  Sita is frozen and is going Oh My God!  Babaji gets up with this twinkle in his eye and a look saying I know I’ve shocked you, what are you going to make of what just happened?!  He walks off to his chair and I tell Sita I’m gong to go do Pranam.  I go to Him and he blesses me by placing his hand on my head, even leaning forward to not break the contact when I was at his feet.  And the dream ended.

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