Archive for the ‘Dreams’ Category


Disjointed thoughts:

How can I be thirsty after drinking a 16 ounces of water?  Does hot water make you more thirsty?  And what’s the point if it feels like it goes right through you?

I scared myself today.  I was at Macy’s.  A Middle Eastern family walked by, the little boy was maybe 7 years old.  Very fair with a shock of black hair and extra bright black eyes.  I first thought how cute and then my thoughts were this kid is going to be profiled soon because of his eyes.   A few minutes later, a woman in a hijab in the shoe section, scowling in a bad mood.  She was in the shoe section, anyone would be in a bad mood.  And I thought, gosh, she looks scary.  Both times the T word popped into my head.  They are not any more foreign than me and I am suspicious of random strangers.  Will I have the courage to do the right thing if it’s called for from me?  After today, I’m not so sure.  I am scared of my own budding bigotry.  What’s the solution?  Stay away from newspapers?

Am trying to go on a diet, but have no will power.  It’s draining to constantly be aware of thinking of food.

Which is why I’m so grateful to have found Cabin Pressure.  Many thanks to DD for introducing me to it!  ROTFLOL! and still laughing over some of the gags.  fishfree-oboecheck.  Wonder if I’ll remember and it’ll still be funny the next time I read this.

Dream – Amma in dream last night.  I was in a dining hall, seated on the floor, BFFU sitting next to me, two men sitting kitty corner to me, all of us had a leaf plate in front of us with food served.  Amma comes into the room, my LA cousin is accompanying her, she has a basket in her hand or fills the basket with things from the loft (bear with me, this part not so clear).   She hands some trinkets to the men in front.  I’m watching wondering if I’ll get anything.  She turns around, says “Yamuna!” and perhaps “nanna irukkiya”  And hands me a saree from her basket.  It was yellow with embroidery, folded so I know it was not a new saree.  And I think she gave one to BFFU too.  She walks away and I turn to BFFU and say – wow! she knows my name!  And BFFU says, Yeah, or maybe someone told her you were Yamuna?  I was thinking about ways that it could have happened without my noticing, couldn’t figure out how and wondering if LA cousin might have told her.  At the end, decided it didn’t matter.  And the dream dispersed.   I don’t get dreams too often nowadays and have given up hoping for my Gurus to show.  But this am, I got up and my first question to myself was – Hmm, who showed up in my dream yesterday?


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DD #529

Another of my Babaji dreams.  We are in an open space, looks like farmland, Babaji is on his seat, but no table in front of him.  I do namaskaram to him and he leans over and places his hand on my bowed head. I’m surprised and as I get up, his hand is still on my head and he’s saying something.  I can’t hear and I scoot further in to make it easy on him so that he doesn’t have to lean forward so much.  I only remember hearing this – I’m not doing this as a favor to you – he said a bunch of other sentences, this is the only one I heard/remember.

I woke up with the dream clear in my head and promptly dismiss it as wishful thinking.  The next time I see Babaji, I ask him what are dreams, are they wishful thinking or does it have any substance?  He read the question through and then smiled like “Ah! I know why you are asking this question”.  And he responds saying it is a combination of desire, story and truth.  So I told him my dream and asked him what it means.  He read it and said, “There’s some truth in it”.  I said “Really?!”  Babaji gave a small nod and a smile and turned away.

Question is – why was I so dismissive of a dream blessing when it applied to me?

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DD #526

Oh, I should record my recent dream. This happened a few weeks ago. I was in a large room, sitting in front of Babaji. It’s not in the MMC room, but some other large room similar to it. Chandru was sitting kitty corner to me, typing away on his cell phone. As is my habit, I try to fix him – “Chandru, put that thing down. You are with Babaji, you should be paying attention here, not in that thing”. Babaji looks at me and says something. There’s noise in the room, like the trundling of carts, I can’t hear him. I shake my head to show I don’t understand and he says it again. Again there’s an even louder noise and I can’t hear at all. I tell him Babaji, there’s a lot of noise right now, I can’t hear what you are saying. He sort of purses his lips and looks away. The noise finally ceases and he looks at me, not kindly, more like stern. He says, “How many things have I told you that you have followed?” I go in my head, “Shucks!” and tell him, “Sorry Babaji, not much”. He says, “Then why do you keep telling him what to do? Leave him be!” And the dream dissolved. I didn’t remember it until the next am when I was telling Bhagavan he didn’t show up in my dream when this memory came up and I just went Gulp!

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DD #523

Hmm, I just spent 10 minutes typing out an email about the flaky mgr and then didn’t send it.   When is giving people the benefit of the doubt crossing over into being a sucker?  Anyway – I wanted to write about my dream from two weeks ago, at least.  I haven’t been sleeping well, let alone dreaming.

I am in a large room, looks almost cavernous like an airport hangar.  The big door to the hangar is in front of me as is Babaji, in his chair.  Others are scattered around the place in a loose semicircle around Babaji, I’m in front of him and DS makes it a triangle.  DS pulls out his cellphone and starts texting/playing/browsing on it and I turn to him and say, “DS!  put that away, you are in Babaji’s presence and you should be absorbing this experience” or words to that effect.  DS looks chastised and lowers the phone  Babaji leans forward and looks at me, I’m still trying to find the word that describes that look, not loving, not angry, but certainly stern, eyes narrowed, focused on me.  He begins to say something – say, not write – but someone is pushing a cart and I can’t hear him.  I shake my head no and tell him I can’t hear.  He tries again, again noise.  I shake my head again.  Third time he begins, there’s a large vehicle rolling slowly down making a loud noise.  I tell Babaji – there’s too much noise, I can’t hear you.  He nods and turns his head away to the side opposite from DS.  And I think, oh shoot! the darn truck is going to take forever and Babaji’s going to forget what he was saying.  He waits until the truck goes away and looks at me again, same expression – How often do you follow what I teach you?  I say – I’m sorry Babaji,, not very often.  Babaji: Then why do you bother him?  Leave him be.

And that was the end of the dream.  I woke up the next morning and was thinking yet another day none of my teachers  came and then realized no, Babaji did and gave me his teaching.  I also recalll thinking Ithe words are all in English, how funny.  But even though there were words and clear communication – I don’t recall seeing his mouth move at all.  And Leave him be is such an uncommon usage, it is the one that convinces me that my brain is not making this up.

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Long time no see!  It used to be a compulsion to write, I seem to have unfortunately exorcised it.  I’m back today because I want to track some dreams I’ve had the past three days.  Very surprising – 3 days, 3 dreams – I’ve been in the dreamless state for the longest time. Dream #14 – I’m in Thiruvannamalai.  I don’t know how I know.  I think I got off the train and am now in the asramam.  There’s an old style ticket booth – thatched roof, ledge etc.  I walk up there and the person in front of me turns.  It’s my mother.  I woke up.  Dream #15 – This is in my pujai room.  I see a Hanuman idol in the puja room.  I’m looking at it very quizzically, side to side and the face of Hanuman mimics my look, moving similarly side to side.  I think to myself that the face looks like Perimma’s face around the mouth area and the eyes look kind of anxious.  And then I realize – I don’t have an idol this size in my altar.  Where did it come from?  This woke me up.  And after that I realized, it looked very much like the idol next to Babaji in MMC!  Dream #16 – I’m cleaning Swathi’s room, I’ve just pushed her off the bed and she’s doing her morning brush etc.  I’m straightening the bed when I hear a rustling sound.  Turn around and there’s a white rat outside her room.  The rat also looks anxious and looked at me.  I shouted for Vittal and the kids. They came, but didn’t bat an eyelash.

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Dream #13, Mar 8 2011

I put the date in too, just this am, what a marvelous way to wake up.

I am sitting in a concert by MD Ramanathan and Venu mama is with me.  He walks out to go to the restroom and I accompany him to make sure he doesnt’ get lost or something.  There he says Ah I think I’ll leave and I tell him nothing doing, the artist has stopped singing because you aren’t there.  He says all right, I’ll just put on my shoes.  And I look at his shoes, they’re women’s with tiny heels.  And I say to him – these will hurt.  He says not at all, they are the most comfortable.  I let t go and we walk back into the auditorium.  MDR is singing SriChakraRaja and I sit next to two ladies.  They ask me to sing along with MDR and I say no way, he’d get mad.  They say, how will you understand music if you don’t sing and I tell them, look if you can keep tala properly, you’re already well ahead.  They say what’s tala but continue to talk among themselves.  I’m rather relieved. 

The hall empties out shortly, MDR only sings one or two lines of the song and Venu mama says I’m going to go say hello to him, I’ve known him for ever.  Now the place has become like a house.  There’s a corridor  and Venu Mama’s standing there.  But he’s now wearing a white suit.  I only see his back and wondering uh, who’s this guy?!  He’s impatient, and says I’ve been waiting for so long, where’s he?  The corridor leads into a kitchen/puja room.  A big window next to the altar and through the window I see the back yard.  There’s a group of people sitting around on chairs and one is Bhagavan.  I see his white hair from here and know it is him.  Some attendant tells the white suited Venu Mama to be patient, they’re discussing finances, but will see him asap and asks him to come.  Venu mama walks into the yard and now he becomes a young boy.  Bhagavan sees him and looks very happy.  He pulls him closer and tells the group, This is Venu, I’ve known him for so long.  I’m still in the kitchen, I don’t want to intrude and am hoping I’ll get to meet Bhagavan.  Venu Mama (the boy) appears to tell Bhagavan about us and Bhagavan asks us to come.  I see Venu Mama beckoning through the window and rush out. 

I said us before because now my sister is sitting outside in the yard to one side in the sun, noless.  I tell her come, come and she gets up and both of us are walking quickly to Bhagawan.  I suddenly realize I have two handbags, one large, one midsize, banging against me while I’m running.  I decide to drop them because I don’t want to fiddle with them when I’m doing namaskaram.  The courtyard has a concrete floor and someone has splashed water.  I run back to find a relatively dry spot and toss the bags there.  It falls with a thud, I remember thinking yikes, but the bags were beautiful leather.  I go and join Bhuvana, now Venu mama is gone.  There’s a small round table, one chair facing us empty, at right angles another man sitting on the chair his arms/hands on the table like he’s holding someone’s hand.  Bhuvana is saying a slokam and I join her, wondering what happened to Bhagawan.  We finish the slokam and the man says go ahead and touch him.  I’m thinking what will I touch, and reach my hands out to place next to the guy.  I find that I’m touching a cool human hand that compresses gently when I touch it.  To the eyes, there’s nothing to be seen, but I can feel him, even now my fingertips can recall how it felt.  Cool, dry skin, I get the impression of age.  Bhuvana is also touching him and slowly he materializes. One minute there’s nothing, the next,  there he is.  His eyes are closed.  The man says do namaskaram and Bhagavan nods.  Bhuvana falls to his feet.  I’m still gaping at him and can hear myself call out to him MURUGA!  and he opens his eyes and looks directly at me.  The eyes are blue, they are old, but sharp.  I can see them so clearly.  I can’t hold the gaze and drop my eyes and am falling to my knees, wondering his eyes are blue?!  Why are his eyes blue?!  The alarm goes off and pulls me out of the dream.

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Dream #12

This was more like a nightmare.  I’m on the phone with Ranjini and she’s saying something like I can’t imagine how you’re feeling.  And I ask her, why? What are you talking about?  And she goes Oh you don’t know?!  I’m sorry, I can’t tell you.  It’s not my place.  And I’m going can you give me a hint.  She says, oh no!  so sorry! and puts down the phone.  And this part I’m proud of – While my head is wondering wtf, I’m calmly telling myself, whatever it is, you’ll find out soon.  There’s no point in running around and desperately seeking that information.  Then Sethu comes in on a bike.  I ask him if he’s ok and he says fine.  Then goes to his room or somewhere and comes back holding a magazine, looking upset.  It’s a bad picture of my dad on the front page.  And he says do you know what he’s done?!  I say no  and try to look at the article.  It says something like local businessman, fraud and there are some accounts on the paper.  Sethu rips it out and places the sheet on a drawing frame next to the door so that my dad can see it as soon as he enters the door.  I think it ends there, the dream, but the worry continues.

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