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Archive for April, 2010

It’s Day 23, I think.  My 40 Day letter P is still going strong.  Have I experienced any miracles per Vimala after beginning this writing practice?  Nothing like fish into loaves.  The calm comes and goes as does the kindness and sensitivity to self and others.  I’m trying to accept compliments without worrying why they are coming my way and if I am deserving.  Like the name of her CD company, Vimala Rodgers sounds true.

I talked to Rasika today, she called to thank me for the 100$ to her vision project.  I’m impressed.  She’s doing a violin solo fundraiser for the project, playing western classical and Bollywood music.  I descended rapidly into why not me.  Looking around me, no one is striving for musical excellence – it’s either serendipitous discovery (mani bhabi, ritu) or effortless (rasika, most of the kids I see in band).  A little more querying – I came up with I feel guilty because I didn’t pass on the musical gene to the kids.  I was reading the blog The Happiest Mom and she was talking about moms feeling guilty about things like leaving their kids when they went on a trip for work.  Here’s guilt for you – I feel guilty because the children aren’t fair skinned, aren’t as smart as their dad, aren’t socially adept – these are the main ones.   I feel I didn’t somehow cook up the right gene pool when they were in me.  Then I realized all these qualities were in Vittal, but not in me.  I consider myself inferior to him.  This isn’t right – I’m God’s beloved and the way I am is blessed.  How do I presume to know better than the Universe what they should be like and what I should be like?  We are built the way we are and formed exactly as was intended.  Wishing for change in this makeup is akin to looking at another’s prasadam and wanting it for myself.  Let these judgements about myself and others go, trust in outcomes and surrender to Grace.

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Waking up at 5

I am getting back to the habit of waking up at 5 am.  This gives me the 20 minutes to get out of the bedroom after my version of getting dressed to shoes, my 31 minutes of meditation, wake dd up, make her bed, make tea and write my Letter of the day, wake Chandru, fix lunch etc.  But the thing is, I need to get to bed at 10.  Any later and the next day is crummy.  The 10 pm deadline just blew past me.  DiD is still doing homework and I’m sitting up with her.  DH and DS are already in bed.  The sink is full, but I’m going to let it go for today.  So sleepy!! 

But I stumbled upon a great idea for a break.  Starting fromas soon as I get in to work, I set up the outlook alarm for the nex hour and take a break for 10 minutes.  First I went outside and just hung out among the trees drinking water.  The next time I went into the game room and played some pool.  Focusing on the break allows me to focus during the work hours – I’m positive the pointless browsing was almost negligent today.

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More blog finds

from Gretchen Rubin

ThxThxThx – it’s strangely addictive.  The author thanks everyone and everything, it’s sort of zany and quirky and funny and thoughtful.  And the PostIts, they make me feel I’m peeking into a diary.

The Happiest Mom – I stepped into this one today, more than the writing, I’m intrigued by the picture of the blogger – she seems so familiar.  She sort of looks like Ashley from Top Chef, but not fully.  I can still see her face and smile.

I’m sorry to say I enter and leave the Happiness Project page very quickly nowadays 😥  The videos are so not working for me.  Gretchen’s face and my idea of what she looks like doesn’t jibe.  Her thin, earnest face in the videos makes me feel I’m not doing enough and there’s Ms. Productivity churning out videos in addition to the blogging, writing, touring and nine hundred other things she’s doing.  And there’s a new video every time I get on the site.  I just read really quickly and look at the site she recommends and get out of there snap! 

I’m listening to Sarah Vowell’s Partly Cloudy Patriot.  She’s got this kind of nasal voice that’s droll whatever she says and I suspect she’s playing to her strengths (No, I’m not being jb today, it just came up in the writing.  Later, Gator!

Hey, It’s Day #20!!

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I woke this am at 5:30, did my stuff, got to sit for meditation at 6, gave up by 6:20, started fixing lunch (rava upma morphed into semiya since there was no rava :|).  Start the idli grinding.  DD comes here at 6:40, which is pretty good for her, needs to start practicing, sits around with her notebook trying to make a list.  Explosion #1, a few minutes later, #2 and then #3 – she still hasn’t started singing.  It’s 6:55.  I stalk to DS’s room, yell him out of bed.  Walk off while he’s asking me what time it is.  DD finishes singing.  Give her lecture #1 – what is the point of practicing for only 15 minutes, a while later lecture #2 – who are you practicing for.  Take her to school.  After all this, she gets out of the car beaming, welcoming the day at school.   Note to self: Learn from your daughter!  DS comes to breakfast all armored up against mom’s mood.  I thankfully hold my tongue.  DH comes around looking wary but skips off without saying anything.  Then when kids are gone and DH is at computer, I wonder why the reason for the mood.  I’ve come to the following conclusion:

* The hum of the grinder upset my equanimity.  Disbelieve, if you must, but I really think it was a factor.

* The sun is up too early!!  I began these practices in the winter and calibrated my early/lateness to the amount of sunlight.  The sun is getting up earlier and earlier and I feel I’m super tardy.  I really can’t make myself run when the sun is so bright!  It just feels like it’s too late already.  I hear DS in this complaint – there is no logic, only feeling, and that too about things you can’t do a damned thing about!

So, Dear Self, Get Over IT!!

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Day 18

Am I a bad mother if I don’t like my child for superficial reasons?  There are days when DD’s hair and clothes combine to make the whole unattractive.  Add some attitude in there for her and tiredness for me and it’s off to the races.  It takes much effort to not be unkind.  Same with DS – overgrown hair on head and face,  dark sweater/clothes, hood over head and a dose of passive aggression or hah! scratching!, I’m struggling to remember breathing and being present in the moment.  Even if I desperately avoid not remarking on any of the obvious irritants, my behaviour is awful because there is no love in my subsequent actions.  So would it be better if I just said what was on my mind?  With DS, there’s usually something on my mind.  I cave in and I do tell him, but by that time, all internal resources are exhausted and the words are critical and probably wounding.  With DD, there’s no exact cause, it’s the case of the last straw and how can you point out straws?!

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It’s called Aegan.  Don’t they have any shame making this tripe?  The women are cartoonish, with no pretension to a real-life relationship.  The men are equally abhorrent and the laughs are laughs in spite of the situation.  Seriously, what crap!  So why am I watching it?  Rest in next!

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I usually go to Preethi’s house and can spend more than an hour there easily, drinking tea, talking about anything under the sun.   I’ve been doing this for more than 3 years now and an hour is the lower limit.  I’ve gone there at ~5 and sometimes stayed there till dinner time or past if her family wasn’t around.  But now, I feel like I have plenty to do here at my home, so going over there is a luxury.  I’ve to fold laundry, do a mission, wipe down counters – countless things and instead I’m sitting in her spare bedroom drinking chai and eating papad trying to make sense of why things are the way they are.  I was killing time from 5-5:45 today waiting for her to get home and then found that she was.  Went there, went to the temple,  now I’m back, it’s 10 – laundry’s left to fold, the sink is not shining.  I have the blog and the writing to do.  Sink’s not happening, the laundry, I’m still hoping I’ll get to.  But worst of all, the conversation is not satisfying.  It might have been because both of us were distracted.  She can work while she’s talking.  I go there, so I don’t have the work option, but then, as the zen master says, when you’re eating, eat.  when you’re walking, walk.   I think we should explore silence more.  Silence and togetherness.  I’m so happy she’s going to give meditation another try.

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