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Archive for December, 2010

More ruminations…

I’m not motivated to write.  I have a lot of topics clunking around, but it’s not gelling.  That’s ok, but it’s kind of surprising.  My sil has a blog too.  She has a food blog and she’s winning prizes for submitting her recipes and essays and she has more that 1400 visitors to her blog.  Gulp!  I swear it’s envy inducing, even though my main attraction for this forum is anonymity.  Out of a bazillion pages, no one would stumble on mine unless they knew exactly where it is and that’s the way I want it.  So why do I feel the stir of envy?  Do I have a secret wish to be “discovered”?  My style would change drastically and even I wouldn’t feel like reading my own writing.  Remember how it changed when DH looked at the blog?  My own motivations are a complete mystery to me.

DD is just incredibly sweet.  I can’t believe everyone is not in love with her all the time.  I don’t know why, but she was just so happy when I went to make her take her medicine.  Just glowing from the inside.

Oprah again talking about Toni Morrison raising her kids – she used to be a mom who was always picking on the way her kids looked when they walked into the room; your hair’s messy, clean your hands, straighten your shirt. I always knew Toni M and I were related 😀  And she realized one day, they don’t care about this.  The thing they are looking for – do your eyes light up when they walk into the room.  Oh, I was so worried for the kids, DS esp.  Do my eyes light up?  I recall squinting at them to make sure they past muster, but lighting up?  I’m sure it’s happened for DD, but for DS, not so sure…

More lightly uncomfortable bickering, tired brother falling asleep on the couch, living out in the boonies.  Que sera sera.

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Visiting my brother

My brother and his wife live in a small town in Indiana. I’ve been to visit them before when they lived in NJ, now I’m here with only DS. It’s a very surreal state. He came back from work and made his own coffee. It was 9:30 and she was still fixing dinner. She has an odd way of talking – quasi aggressive and perceptive and very bindaas – it is an odd mix. Maybe I’ll be able to elaborate better later. I was in the kitchen wondering wtf about dinner which was rice, yogurt and potato fries and it was already 9:30. And then I realized, again from EE, I think, sadness falls away when you see things as they really are. When you see from perspectives of it should be thus, it is both erroneous and leads to sadness. See things as they are and let them be. Thank you, Beloved Spirit, for helping me hear you. I dismissed the thought and gained some equanimity. I do have a missive from my DM to talk to them about beginning a family. So Gross! I doubt I’ll keep my word!

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I had just subscribed to the Thought of the Day and this was one of the first notes.  It makes me feel like yes! like a voice that’s able to go straight to the soul ripping past all the filters.  A voice from the Beloved Spirit.  So wonderful.  Thank you!

At the center of our being is a point of nothingness which is untouched by sin and by illusion, a point of pure truth, a point or spark which belongs entirely to God, which is never at our disposal, from which God disposes of our lives, which is inaccessible to the fantasies of our own mind or the brutalities of our own will.
  – Thomas Merton

The impetus to gain mastery over one’s mind and senses does not come from a distant deity. It doesn’t come from any monastic rule, or even from one’s spiritual teacher. It comes from deep within yourself. You have had a fleeting glimpse of the shining presence within, and in its bright remembered light, all your flaws and blemishes are thrown into sharp relief. You can’t wait to start removing them.

To have the desire to travel deep into consciousness is a sure mark of divine grace. To be no longer content to pick up what is floating on the surface of life, and to want only the pearls at the bottom of the sea, this is grace, welling up from deep inside.

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Meditation

I don’t even know what to title this post, but I wanted to track it. A couple of days ago, I’m sitting in meditation and this band of tightness starts around my head, in the line around my eyes and ears and it squeezes more and more. I’m going what in the world is this since it doesn’t match with any of my previous experiences and the tightness is almost like squeezing something out. The squeeze reaches is apogee and out pops (just behind my right eye) a small shiny black shiva lingam. And that’s it. Since then, I’m wondering what it means, and trying to recreate it. It’s ok. It’ll all become clear in time. But actually writing this is not as good as I thought it would be.

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Fasting Lessons

So I’ve taken to fasting on Ekadasi.  I used to think it was the first day of the lunar cycle, it’s the 11th 😐  I’ve been at it for a few months, and as with everything I have to psych myself into fasting and staying with the fast until eod.  I drink liquids (milk, water, salty lemonade, tea) and eat fruit.  It is a struggle to keep to this diet for ONE effing day.   Esp. when it’s one of my wfh days.  I’m constantly wanting to taste or chew something and there are a boatload of options when I’m at home.  Even at work, there’s enough temptation, but not the means.  And so over the course of 24 hours, I have ample time to look at myself and what makes me act.  The first thing I notice is that the stomach is never hungry.  I probably have fed it enough that it won’t be hungry even if I don’t eat for 3 days together.  But when I think of food, see food, my mouth waters seriously.  I don’t usually deny myself, and so when I do pass say chocolate biscuits and can’t pop it into my mouth, serious mouth watering ensues.  And I try to talk myself into eating the biscuit, but I’ve been staunch against it till now.  This continues for hours, whenever I cross anything food-like.  And then it finally dies down at about 2 pm, but now I’m constantly thinking of food and how many hours are left till bedtime.  Enquiry again, the stomach wants nothing, the mouth wants nothing.  It’s all in the mind.  Like a caged beast, pouncing on everything.  Thankfully, I’m not snarling at everyone, but I know I used to do that before.  Constantly pickint at the thought that I’m not eating, but by around 8 pm even that goes away.  The best part is the next am, I don’t want to eat anything.  This last ekadasi, I didn’t eat much the next day either and then I started feeling dizzy.  So need to be more careful the next time.  But the real takeaway is the automaticity with which I eat – when there’s a level of inquiry, it becomes clear that it is not to address hunger or even more importantly, craving, it is something else completely.  A maya that doesn’t go away even though you know it exists.  And if it is this strong for one thing, how many levels of maya do we fight every day?  I really want to fast once a week now.  Hoping for the grace to make this happen.

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All this time, I’ve always thought it was a weakness to not defend your opinion after you voice it.  Even worse to not have an opinion.  So you’ll find me opining on everything under the sun – Gay marriage, Groupon, NCAA, privacy laws, sucky CEOs.  I know a little about it, and I’m proud of the little I know, even prouder to show it off.  I had this epiphany this past Saturday.  At Meera’s house, as usual, the women part from the men to discuss TG sales and other stuff.  I happened to sit near the men and thankfully they stopped discussing work.  This guy brings up OpenTable and asks what it’s all about.  DH explains it.  Then guy asks how they make money.  DH explains some more.  I jump in to talk about Groupon and how it hurts rather than helps businesses at eod.  Guy says whatever, their stock is going through the roof.  DH says their PE is very high.  Guy says that doesn’t matter.  My head swivels to look at DH.  And he says, “Ok”.  That’s it.  Nothing more.  And later it struck me – that’s how you do it.  You don’t defend, you  don’t argue.  You are not here to change another person’s mind.  You say the truth as you know it (if you know it).  If there’s no value in changing the other’s opinion, let it go.  So graceful, so quiet, so still.  I love DH.

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