DD #525

0 views – that’s at once such a relief and a downer at the same time.  Is my online  journal (by extension, me) so uninteresting that not one person stopped by?  Otoh, and I think I remarked on this earlier, how can you write candidly if you knew strangers – or worse, non-strangers, were reading this note?

Its Ekadasi today and such a strain to maintain the fast.  I wonder – who is fighting whom?  Who asks for food?  Does the tongue actually have a mind of its own?  Does the mind say the tongue wants the food?  Who checks with the stomach to see if the stomach is hungry?  Is it the same mind that’s checking in with the tongue?  Am falling asleep, will continue later.

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DD #524

Is it odd that I have to make a resolution to call my siblings every week and then push myself to keep it?  I honestly can’t see a time when this task would become automatic.  In fact, I’m inordinately glad when the phone isn’t picked up or the call goes to voicemail.  I don’t have much to say, but I feel doing the deed is important.  At least, when I clean the bathrooms/sink, I feel good after.  There’s no feeling good after either.  Perhaps it’s like painting a large mural.  I’m just on the first pixel, so it doesn’t look like anything’s going to come out of this experiment.  What do I want to get out of it?  I want to get to the point where I’m not scared of calling them – there, I put it in words.  It’s not to get closer, it’s not to have better communication, it’s to avoid the sinking feeling when the phone rings, I pick up and hear their voice or I call and feel so happy when there’s no answer.  The next question – what in the world am I scared of?  With sister, it’s the list of areas that need to be addressed – parents’ health, parent’s business -none of which I have a solution for nor can address or resolve.  With brother, it’s trying to understand a lifestyle that is so similar to mine, yet feels so different.  And underneath it all, the question of a child and what’s going on with that effort.  Any wonder I shy away from this task?

 

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DD #523

Hmm, I just spent 10 minutes typing out an email about the flaky mgr and then didn’t send it.   When is giving people the benefit of the doubt crossing over into being a sucker?  Anyway – I wanted to write about my dream from two weeks ago, at least.  I haven’t been sleeping well, let alone dreaming.

I am in a large room, looks almost cavernous like an airport hangar.  The big door to the hangar is in front of me as is Babaji, in his chair.  Others are scattered around the place in a loose semicircle around Babaji, I’m in front of him and DS makes it a triangle.  DS pulls out his cellphone and starts texting/playing/browsing on it and I turn to him and say, “DS!  put that away, you are in Babaji’s presence and you should be absorbing this experience” or words to that effect.  DS looks chastised and lowers the phone  Babaji leans forward and looks at me, I’m still trying to find the word that describes that look, not loving, not angry, but certainly stern, eyes narrowed, focused on me.  He begins to say something – say, not write – but someone is pushing a cart and I can’t hear him.  I shake my head no and tell him I can’t hear.  He tries again, again noise.  I shake my head again.  Third time he begins, there’s a large vehicle rolling slowly down making a loud noise.  I tell Babaji – there’s too much noise, I can’t hear you.  He nods and turns his head away to the side opposite from DS.  And I think, oh shoot! the darn truck is going to take forever and Babaji’s going to forget what he was saying.  He waits until the truck goes away and looks at me again, same expression – How often do you follow what I teach you?  I say – I’m sorry Babaji,, not very often.  Babaji: Then why do you bother him?  Leave him be.

And that was the end of the dream.  I woke up the next morning and was thinking yet another day none of my teachers  came and then realized no, Babaji did and gave me his teaching.  I also recalll thinking Ithe words are all in English, how funny.  But even though there were words and clear communication – I don’t recall seeing his mouth move at all.  And Leave him be is such an uncommon usage, it is the one that convinces me that my brain is not making this up.

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DD #522

I have absolutely nothing to write!  Actually, I had a couple of thoughts on more romance movies, but that’s what I’ve been reduced to -movies.  So I thought, fine, I’ll do the Naladiyar.  The darn bookS are not here.  I don’t want to go to the front of the house to search form thme.  So I guess, it’s just me and the crickets.  I’m feeling vapid and sleepy.  Hopefully tomorrow, inspiration will strike.

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DD #521

DD and I were watching Sleepless in Seattle 2 evenings ago and then You’ve Got Mail yesterday.  It’s not the first time we’ve seen this, but DD perked up when watching SS – Oh, the same people in YGM.  I told her that was right and got to thinking – what are the romance movies that I can see with DD with only very minor censorship?  We chanced to see When Harry Met Sally on TV the other day, but it was a no-op, too much censor required.  It had to be a sweet, romance only movie, not action or irony or anything else.  I had to think hard and here’s my list:

* Pride and Prejudice (the Keira Knightley one)
* Sleepless in Seattle
* You’ve got Mail
* French Kiss
* Bend it like Beckham
* The Enchanted kingdom (The fairy tale story withAmy Adams and the Grey’s Anatomy guy)

Huh?  That’s all?  And note – 3 of the five are Meg Ryan and the other two are KK.

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DD #520

OMG!! I’m watching Cinderella Man on TV with all the zillion interruptions, I don’t know that I’ve ever been so invested in a movie.  It’s a boxing story and I swear I’m feeling every punch myself.  It’s not the acting, so it’s got to be the sound and editing.  I can’t imagine how intense it would be watching it in a theater or without the interruptions.  I honestly think I need these incredibly stupid testosterone ads to dial down the intensity!  RC looks thin! and young.  Beautifully done portrayal, It’s so easy to believe the goodness and love of this man for his wife and hers for him.  So easy!  And then when you remember it’s a movie, done by actors, it actually hurts.  How can it be possible to portray such connection and syncitude and then have it be camera work?  I see the manager guy got an Oscar nomination, hmm, I’d have thought the director or editor or RC would have gotten the nom.  Didn’t see what got the manager guy the Oscar nom.

Woke up at 5 today, have been sleepy most of the day and wanted desperately to come back home and lie down.  It’s now 1 am and I’m still up.  Last tea was before 2 pm.  What’s going on with my sleep cycle?!

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DD #519

Happy New Year!  I went to the MMC New Year retreat, so spent the last five days of 2012 + 1st of 2013 absolutely disconnected.  Today was the first day I went on dailykos!  After compulsively clicking on that site to it being an afterthought, and it was so easy.

I don’t think I had a good time at the retreat, it was a very pensive affair for me on day 1, some of day 2 and New Year’s Eve.  Don’t know if I will do it again.  But it felt good that the first act I did in 2013 was donate to the MMC temple, ashram and foundation.

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