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Archive for February, 2011

Dialogue # 15

I’m running on empty again. But what do I mean by that?  I don’t have the motivation to get up and do the things I know need doing.  I tell myself it’s ok and I will rest, but this is no rest with the weight of the things that need to be done hanging on to you.  I spent all afternoon horizontal or semi-horizontal, then the Oscars began, so I morphed into the immovable object.  All the while wishing I’d just fold some laundry.  Now it’s 11 pm and sleep calls.  Laundry on bed will be my guilt of the day tomorrow too.  Bhagawan, unnishtam ennishtam.  Help the peace develop in my heart and the constant haranguing go away!

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Daily Dialogue #14

OMG!  I am watching a most horrible movie – The Proposal.  It’s got Sandra Bullock, what the heck happened to her?! Not that I’ve watched many of her movies, but I’ve always thought of her as way above bubble gum.  A bubble gum wouldn’t have worked for this premise, but  there had to have been other options.  I think Jennifer Garner would have been so much better suited for this role – she at the very least wouldn’t look like Ryan Reynolds’ older sister.  Zero chemistry, awkward movie, not one single engaging character.  Why did she sign up for this crap?  And then there’s All about Steve, why, Sandra, why??  I there think there’s something wrong with the sound on the movie – the actors’ lips moved before the words came out, so I spent a lot of time staring at the people.  Not a single one of them liked being in the movie, but to my brain, most especially SB.  She just looked so unhappy, almost sick.  Such a colossal waste!

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Daily Dialogue #13

Didn’t know I didn’t publish this, but truly, this is contentless.  I read one of my earlier posts about being conflicted about lighting the lamp.  When I read it, I remembered how big a deal it was at that time,  Now, not even on my radar.  Was it the dream that helped resolve the conflict?  Nice progression. 

Through the day, I’ve been coming up with things to write in my excavator journal.  And when it’s time to actually write it down, I’m beyond clueless.  SB’s essay was kind of a wake up slap yesterday.  I’m so glad I started this journal in October.  I doubt I’d have persisted through all the do this, do that if I’d started in January.  I detested the excavation, but it’s beginning to grow on me.  At all times except when I have to write it down.

More radical sermons from Nocchur : You have to execute your Swabhavam.  God doesn’t care whether you do good or bad, It’s the same to him.  The question is the attitude with which you execute that which you’re destined to do.  When I listen to him, I automatically look at the people around me and say, oh, their life is exactly what he’s talking about.  If only they heard him, they’d know what they’re doing wrong.  But NV smacked me right out of it – Think only of how this pertains to your life.  My brain is getting stretched in so many unaccustomed ways.

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Authentic Self

The Dig:

* Pointilism paintings – I remember the painting I saw in the Citibank office when I was at Nucleus.  I didn’t know it was pointilism then.  Then Georges Seurat’s Eiffel Tower, where I learned the style was called Pointilism.

* My first Asterix book, Amar Chitra Kathas in that persons house who was a relative of my Chitti.

* Little shoots from rice grains tossed on the yard.  The beautiful fresh green, enthusiastic shooting through the brown soil, so sweet!

The House: You have a house, completely unfurnished, money and time are no object.  What will you put in there?

* Yellow Daffodils

* Swing

* A sun room, with a cozy window bench looking out into the green yard, perfect for curling up

The Dig #2:  What did you love about each of the places you’ve lived in to now:

* Little John way – The bones of the house, the wisteria covered front, the back yard

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Daily Dialogue #12

I’ve been working on Simple Abundance, guided by Sarah Breathnach.  For the last week or so, she’s been going on and on about excavating your past.  Bleck!  I’m finally getting into it, sort of blow the dust off random spots and see what pops out that delighted me.  I’m going to create a new page to track my discoveries. 

A radical message from Nochur Venkataraman : God doesn’t care whether you do good things or evil things.  You’re only acting out your vasanas or swabhava.  The key is to act with detachment.  Chew on that!

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Daily Dialogue #11

Nothing makes you so tired as having things left undone 😥  I have so much work, work.  House is unraveling slowly, No exercise, Body hurts, too many books that I want to read, TOO MANY THINGS I NEED TO BUY!!  I need:

* A new sofa set
* A dining table and chairs
* Clothes for me
* Clothes for the kids
* Shoes for me

With my newly formed aversion to stores, I don’t know when I’m ever going to get this done!!  Thank God I got the door ordered, though those guys are taking their time getting it in 😐

DS got admitted in UICU.  He’s relieved, excited, happy, concerned, all at the same time.  But I had the greatest support from the universe during this wait – Bhagavan’s upadesam via Nochur V helped me stay with that which is real.

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Daily Dialogue #10

I bought Nochur Venkataraman’s Voices of Rishis CD set when I was in India last July.  As per plan, they sat in my house for 7 months before I opened it.  I’d just tried to listen to Velukudi Krishnan’s discourse on the Vishnu Sahasranama the day before.  My mother sent it to me, 3 copies of the CD set, book and calendar.  I gave one book/calendar to Sriram, one I’ll give to the old mama/mami.  So I was listening to the CD on Mon or Wed last week and you know what, it’s not for me.  VK to me comes off as rigid in his belief structure – strict adherence to the shastras, this is right, this is wrong.  I know the exact moment he lost me – I went to his lecture when I was in India and during the q/a session, someone asked him – what about organ donation?  And he said, no, hindus cannot do organ donation and expect to get moksha.  His view of the world is punitive and I stepped away there.  Of course, I have deep respect for his learning and am always curious if he’s as sure of himself as he portrays.  I listened to the CD on the way to and from work that day.  And most of the content was why Vaishnavism was superior.  Even Shankaracharya, at the end of his life said, Bhaja Govindam and asked everyone to ignore everything he’d written before, he’d written it in his youthful exuberance.  And that was it.  I turned it off.  So not interested in the which is better argument.  And I happened to find the Voices Of Rishis cd set and put them in the car.  The next day I wanted one of the VK CD sets to send to Usha.  I had three, but I can’t find the other two.  I sent Usha my copy.  Now I’m submerging myself in NV’s discourse on Ulladu Narpadu.  Such incredible satsang!  He explained why we feel happy when we listen to Pravachanam.  Our mind does not wander, it’s movement is stilled by what it’s hearing.  (Yea, so we have that same feeling when sitting in front of the TV, so why is that not peace inducing? – my brain).  The aham that is in you comes out during that time because it recognizes the truth in the Pravachanam and we are blissful because we’re soaking in Reality.  Blessed man!  This is my marga.  I have no doubts.

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