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Archive for November, 2010

Dream #10

I can’t keep track of the dream #, so I’m starting with 10 and hopefully will remember the #s henceforth.  So this was my dream a few days ago.  I’m in an older person’s house, like Ranjini or it could also be Padma and we are doing a Puja with the Varalakshmi vratam Mukam.  I’m sitting in front of kumbam and I realize I don’t have my mukam with me.  I’m thinking “Shit, I forgot.  I hope Vittal remembers to get the Mukam”.  Vittal walks in a few minutes later and says he had no idea he was supposed to get it.  Then it seems like it is another poojai with Ambal and this time, the poojai is over and I look at the small altar.  There’s kumkumam all over it, but no vigraham.  I was so puzzled – where did Ambal go?

My interpretation – Ambal is telling me she’s upset that I’m ignoring her.  I’ve started doing abshikam to the Annapurani vigraham.  I’m leaving myself open for Ambal to tell me what to do next.

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Making bad choices and then beating myself up with the guilt.  If you have to depend on lack of choices to keep you from making the wrong choice, then you actually haven’t grown much, have you?

All my signposts seem to be spinning, out of time with me, so there’s more confusion and doubt.  Leo B’s gone off of goals into a goal free state, Gretchen R is into videos, can’t get past that, I haven’t been to look at Teresa B in a long while.  Same with FlyLady.  Still pulling at the same yoke, but all the pointers have faded.  Staunch Persistence is just making me feel sad and seriously unstaunch.  Sanaisanairuparamet…

There are days when I feel I’m far away from the divine.  I’m surprised today’s one such.  The beautiful upanishad, Bhagavan’s talk, temple etc., and all swallowed by one bad choice.  The mouth is desperate for a truffle.  I’ll need to quell it too. 

Watching a lousy movie, Derailed.  Why am I watching it?  I’m sick of enquiring into myself.

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