My Reality

DD #504

yveeinsj — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 07:54:38 +0000

I can still hardly control myself – I got a hug from Adya!! On Dec 17. It was the Christmas intensive and such a beautiful time. Some insights:

* The story of the virgin birth is the story of awakening It’s not the union of opposites coming together to make something new of flesh, it is the formless taking form as in awakening.

* Gospel of Mark : In truth I tell you, all human sins will be forgiven, and all the blasphemies ever uttered; but anyone who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven but is guilty of an eternal sin.

* For God (you) so loved this world, that he (you) gave it his (your) only begotten son (self!)

* Before Abraham, I am.

And the hymns were beautiful, especially the final Silent Night. Then there was an announcement that Adya will be at the door with a Christmas blessing. I couldn’t see the head of the line, but I began spinning tales out of expectations in my head. And my voice told me to stop. Waited for my turn and then it was me in front of him. And all I could do was say Namaste a few times, the light in me so completely greets the light in you Adya. I started telling him about finding out about him at the beginning of the year, but my voice broke and I waved it off. Then I started thinking I won’t get a hug because I’m an Indian and he’d think I’m not the hugging kind. He stepped back and opened his arms. I walked right in and hugged him, I can still feel the joy. And then he gave me a piece of candy and a small sheet with one of his quotes. He placed them in my hand and covered my hand with both of his (Just like Ganesan Mama!) Got to go to bed.

DD #503

yveeinsj — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 05:45:13 +0000

You know, I thought working at AMD would be boring, too big a company, lots of folks might be coasters, you’ll get subsumed in the ocean there. This past month has been an education. I’ve met so many incredibly smart people here than pretty much anywhere else I can remember. There was a meeting last week with 16 people stuffed together in a smallish room. I remember thinking, Gosh, everyone here is super smart. And then the director walks up to me and says Can you believe the brain power in that room. And this man is no slouch in the brain dept himself. That he was impressed says something. And today I was in another large meeting chock full of directors and manager types. And each one of them was super knowledgeable about the product, project and the domain itself. It was like an attack of the acronyms. The words are in english, but I swear they werenI still recall Brightware’s CEO who was happy to claim he didn’t know anything, Palm’s staff meeting where the managers were the least informed. This was completely amazing, the level of detail senior directors were aware of and could argue their position with Fellows. I am pretty sure I was the leanest brain in that room. Surprisingly, this hasn’t caused me to go into anziety overdrive. Even if I’m anxious, what am I going to do? All of these people have kids or families, the same 24 hours in the day – how do they it? I can’t think of any of them outside of work, but they all seem to have very interesting external lives too. The only two people I thought were struggling in there were my boss and BK.

DD #502

yveeinsj — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 04:47:22 +0000

Why do I keep falling asleep on Adya??? I am in Austin, and I didn’t know until this am that there was going to be a radio broadcast. Found out at about noon and since then have been making sure I’ll have everything I need, back to hotel in time – check, food – check, computer on and good to go – check. Worrying what I’d do if I was invited to dinner. And then Adya begins and it’s drop off time. What do I recall – He initially talked about the inquiring into the question itself deeply because therein lies the answer. It is only your own answer that will satisfy you, not Adya’s, not Bhagavan’s. Used Bhagavan’s similie of using the stick to stir the fire till it burns up the stick. Funnily, Usha and I had been speaking about that same similie a couple of days ago. * Being still does not mean doing nothing. I can’t get this out, I find the question of when to act and not act too confusing * It is the little self that rises up when it tries to compare your experience with that of others’ and assigns worth. He said that with maturity comes this falling away of measurement. (Ed – or it comes with weariness after hearing so much and feeling I’m not worthy. But I’ll take it this way too). Why would you ever want to live somebody else’s experience? * Another was when he was telling someone to undertake cleansing energy rituals especially if they were working with their hands on people. Like Qi Gong or Tai Chi or some yoga exercises. I just heard this part, so no prior context. I started thinking about my own massage – would I end up getting their energy into my body? * Be porous. He said something like he became very sensitive to people’s stories and problems until he became very porous and allowed it to flow through without it sticking to anything and creating identity. The reason it resonated was because of the last conversation I had with BFF P, stories about MMC folks including Babaji. And how I let the information flow through saying how does this affect my experience of truth. It did find some stickiness – flypaper was his term – but very little, I think. I love the term, Be porous. * And the last time I woke up, he was talking about the Dec 17 Christmas intensive. Hour and a half. Well.

The same thing happened last time too. I dashed home from work, fixed myself some tea, ensconced myself away in my bedroom, told DD not to disturb. 5 minutes into the program and I was catatonic. And woke up at 7:30 when he wrapped up. Come ON!

Daily Dialogue 501

yveeinsj — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 04:42:15 +0000

Why is it so hard to do what you know so well to be the right thing? These are my challenges – I can’t turn the tv off, I can’t write in the blog, I can’t keep the house clean, can’t exercise. Do you think I’ll look at this in a year and wonder why I had so much trouble?

It’s not only these things, from the beginning of the year to now, so much has changed – I don’t read Seth Godin, Zen Habits, Elisha, Happiness Project and Therese anymore. These were my original vibrant lifers. Why do I not find it as important or nurturing anymore? I have been thinking – I’ve been blown away by perhaps 2 or 3 marvelous words these past 6 months, such a massive difference from earlier. What is the Universe seeing that I’m missing? Why isn’t She sending me her hugs?

So many changes this year. I quit WR and moved to AMD. I was so bored there for months. And it was funny how it happened - I got hired after only phone interviews. I didn’t know how much money I was making in WR! I feel horrible about taking all that money for not much in return. Now I’m making even more money and I’m so worried that I’m not worth it I am getting so many opportunities to whack myself - I’ll never have a larger vision, I focus too much on the details, Everyone is smarter than me, I don’t belong here. Is this ever going to get better? In addition to the mental smackdowns, the blister in my eye decided to come back. My eye rolls away to the side and I keep wondering if it’s doing that whenever I’m talking to another person. I just realized, I spend half my brain cycle wondering about this and only half focusing on what’s being told to me. Well! In a twist of royal irony, DH got laid off my second week of being there. That’s another quarter of brain cycles gone in worry. It’s a wonder I’m even functioning. Going to bed, waking up to another day, hoping to act from wisdom…

More dreams

yveeinsj — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 05:29:23 +0000

I want to track 3 dreams in this post. Please God, let me not fall asleep before finishing. So can’t write anymore, can’t read either, how much change within the course of a year! I need to attend a self inquiry class. Bhagavan, please make it happen! Dreams tomorrow. It’s one hour of web browsing. I’m getting horizontal.

Addicted to human drama

yveeinsj — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 22:09:24 +0000

I initially titled this Me and My big mouth, but on further thought…

I’ve been noticing for a while that people around me are attracted to drama, in an unhealthy, almost vile sort of way. The first time I remarked on it was when in India last year and the parents and I were talking about inlaws. Everyone’s doing well, kids are doing good, yadda yadda – desultory q and a. Did I add drama details to spike the conversation? Did it happen as a logical progression of the conversation? I don’t recall, but I can’t forget the instant attention focus from the both of them and the hunger for the details. And once that was sated, the settling back down with a palpable “well their drama seems tougher than mine” or “they have drama too” expansion in their psyche. I felt guilt at choosing their attention over not gossipping and just so surprised at the eagerness in that quarter for news of strife.

Over the last year, I noticed that there seems to be a kind of social contract among some folks I hang out with which says you must exchange war room stories, almost like a I hear you and I raise you mine. I recall one time when I was so disappointed with myself that I resolved to not engage in this anymore. No more complaints. I stick to it more often than not, so best I can say here is wip.

Most recently while I have been in MMC, I also noticed this eagerness for consuming drama. Breathy exhalations inviting you to confide, facial expressions of concern. A couple of weeks ago, I had a fight with DS right there – he was off on a moronic dream chase – wtf good would it do to have a broken down truck either in our yard or having his name on it in their junk yard? - so a couple of ill chosen remarks and he’s sulking and I’m moritified and the fact that everyone’s asking me if everything’s ok as well as the drama queen in me pop out tears too. The only player who was supremely unaffected was Babaji. And then one of the ladies comes to me and hugs me going, “Kya baath hai?” I leapt from my seat and left the place. I still recall the very surprised looks like goldfish on their faces when I turned around at the end of the room to wave at them.

The pinnacle of this greedy consumption I think is unfortunately my BFP. I did the most moronic thing today (actually yesterday, I fell asleep before writing). I was at MMC again and Sita confided in me that she takes anti-depressants – some kind of a genetic thing. How I wish I had the ability to accept that piece of information and discard it like it’s meant to me. I wanted to tell Vittal, but was able to ride out that thought wave. What triggered my divulgence of this detail to BFP? I don’t know, it wasn’t apropos to anything at all. And I do recall wanting to take back the topic – I heard something in MMC yesterday. No, I don’t think I should say anything – Moron – why did you ever open your mouth. And of course BFP goes, you’ve got to tell me, spit it out and I do. Her face just beams in joy. Hah! Knew it. Those people are as messed up as we are. She gets up and shuts the door. How could you keep this from me? Am I not your best friend? This piece of information helps me immensely and you thought to not share it?! – How in the world does this piece of gossip help her? – She has no attainment, how could someone who’s lived with Babaji for so long still be taking pills – I feebly protest, It’s genetic. Who knows, she might have been incapacitated before and she’s here now – And I know I have sinned. Dearest Sita, I beg your forgiveness. BFP goes on and on feeling validated in all her decisions, I can’t get away fast enough. No more, absolutely no more talking about the people at MMC. Please make this statement be true!

My day at MMC

yveeinsj — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 04:32:32 +0000

The titling is a big torture! I’ve scratched off and rewritten the title, changing the subject of my post while fixing up the title! So, no more titling until I have the post written.

I spent the day at MMC attending Y’s wedding ceremony. Of course DS was with me. Does he prattle on for ever or does my judge-o-meter spiral out of control when I’m there? A bit of both probably, but please GOD! put some filters on there. Both for him and me. Does he not see that others stay crypt-like? Does he feel like he has to make up for others’ non-speaking? I’m constantly going Be quiet, don’t I get to have a break after 18 years?

Should I have gone to Y’s wedding? They needed a person to fix the bride’s saree so the answer is yes (I think). I (and DS) was the only one in wedding regalia. I out dressed the bride, for sure. Why do these white people wear pale sarees? They’d look gorgeous in dark colors.

The ceremony itself was beautiful. I loved the yagna, so spiritual in nature, unhurried, everything I don’t remember Hindu rites to be. What are those hand mudras that they do? It’s almost like a dance, one movement flowing into the other so gracefully and done unselfconsciously, I’m so curious. There were very few people, 20, 30 max. It was warm in the sun and cool, almost cold in the shade. My pattu saree came in handy as a wrap. The fragrance of the fire, the soporific chanting of the mantra, soothes you into a manolayam. Y looked so happy. His bride was walking up the stairs and everyone was looking at her. I turned around to see him and found this man lit up in joy. Thankfully there was a guy there, either father or fil, with a camera and I asked him to capture the moment. With his tilak, he looked radiant, like some acharya in the Mahabharat stories. I wonder how his parents dealt with the religious conversion and priesthood.

Minor Irritations taking over all brainspace

yveeinsj — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 19:30:34 +0000

So out of compassion or sarvam bhagavat swarupam. It’s lunch time and the pontificators are in full flow in the lunch room. One man is holding court – why is his voice so resonant? One other has this incredible irritating cackle – highpitched, forced and joyless – that I think he uses to show mirth. Would that he were able to hear himself one day! He has nothing to do and no team wants him. He’s waiting for his gc so that he can quit and go to God knows where, but it’s been more than 3 years since he did anything worthwhile. All in his prime learning and earning years. Such a waste!

I’ve decided not to complain in my Gratitude Journal. That means this will be my primary venue. I’m going to make noon-12:30 my daily dialogue time. I miss you, self! Our conversation and the continuity of the process are important to me. Would you help me with the resolution?

Body is a mass of aches. I’ve been taking 2 Tylenols at least twice a day, my head hurt like crazy over the past two days, my neck’s been stiff for a long time and now my back is getting into the game. And I can’t see what to do about it. I recall one Forum talk when the guest said humans are wired for seeing positives in any catastrophe. Even the Apocalypse – God is coming, so all will be well even in the middle of large scale destruction. In my case, super pain and I’m going, Mmm, Maybe my Kundalini is waking up. And the rest of my brain goes stfu, dammit!

Kiss the joy

yveeinsj — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 17:11:17 +0000

He who binds to himself a joy
Doth the winged life destroy.
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in Eternity’s sunrise.

– William Blake

Brought to me by the divine folks at Blue Mountain. Sent more than a month ago. Has lived with me ever since. How the truth of these lines resonates in me. Hugs to you, William Blake.

Daily Dialogue #42

yveeinsj — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 01:14:04 +0000

I’m starting a Hanuman Puja today with two requests for Hanuman. Give me the will to be steadfastly honest on things big and little. Show me the way ahead for my dad’s business. I accept whatever outcome you show. I feel mired and that sinking feeling. I need his grace for making it through 40 days, but I have faith. I was able to get up in the am (ahead of 5 am), do the daily habits, make payasam and prasad for the temple. DH had to do the pujai, but still… I got out of the home by 8 with the kids, got to MMC by 9 and JD gave me a blessed introduction to Pranayama. I owe him such a great debt. It’s so clear to me that my morning practice has to expand. I just don’t know what will contract to allow this to proceed. Hanuman will show the way.

I have a couple of marvelous words to add. Will be back with them.